The Story of my Life

Is this the whole picture, or is it just the start?

Every day, things get a little more complicated, but a little better. It’s heaven in a confusing, down-to-earth form.

Every day I get happier and happier just speaking to her. We still aren’t going out yet, but I’m starting to care less and less about officially "going steady." With the way things are becoming, It doesn’t matter if it’s official or not.

From what I can tell, she’s hear to stay. Nothing Can Separate Us; not Matt, not Greg, and not even Chris.

When it comes time for my Senior Prom; I’m going to drag her down here and dance with her.

And then, maybe we’ll go home and dance some more to Our Song

.

Is this the whole picture, or is it just the start?

Is this the way you love me? You’re capturing my heart.

I used to try and walk alone, but I’ve begun to grow. And when you tell me just to rest; I’m finally letting go.

I let go….

And I’m here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know I’m okay. You cradle me gently; wrapped in your arms; I’m home.

I’m seeing so much clearer looking through your eyes.

I could never find a safer place, even if I tried.

All the times I’ve needed you; you’ve never left my side.

I’m clinging to your every word. Don’t ever let me go.

Don’t let go.

And I’m here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know I’m okay. You cradle me gently; wrapped in your arms; I’m home.

I’m home!

I’m wrapped in your arms…

And I’m here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know I’m okay. You cradle me gently; wrapped in your arms. And I’m here to stay. Nothing can separate us. And I know I’m okay.

You cradle me gently; wrapped in your arms; I’m home.

I’m home.

Kyri posted this for me on Her blog. I won’t post the link, because I respect her privacy, so, here is the video. The post was titled For Navarr

"I love you."

Isn’t that so sweet of Her? Dear Goddess, I love her to too, so very, very much.

It’s really annoying me, so I’m going to type it out.

Rachel is being a stupidhead. I wanted to talk to her since she had gotten to school, and she wouldn’t let me, and when I tried to, she moved away from me after I had gotten up from my seat, and she said to get away because I had been sitting next to a kid that had Pink-eye. I didn’t know he had Pink-eye until way after he had sat down next to me..

I don’t want to admit it, but I hit her and quickly got up, grabbing my backpack and quickly strolling off to my first period class.

Later on, we just talked normally (lunch-time) so everything is fine now.. I don’t know why I got so upset.. I haven’t hit anybody in like.. five years or so? Not in any way that wasn’t playful.

I just don’t like friends who are insensitive to their other friend’s feelings.. I guess..

If you didn’t think that things were confusing before now, you sure should now.

Kyri and I talked for a good while last night, and we’re on much better terms than we were before we talked. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make anything any less confusing for us.

What it comes down to now, is basically our disagreements via our viewpoints. Anybody that knows me know that I am an absoloute diehard romantic, where as my Kyriaelison is a diehard rationalist. This creates problems wherever “love” is involved, Kyri wants a relationship, and I know she wants the person in that relationship to physically be there.. She’s not really “in the mood” for lack of better terminology to deal with all of my quirks to make a succesful loving relationship.

This, at least to me, is the most confusing situation I’ve ever tried to resolve. I’m not going to give up and just say “okay, whatever.” I decided, and everyone should know this, that I’m not just gonig to date around, that it’s pointless, and it leads to misplaced feelings, misplaced conceptions and lust.

Thats another thing, but it’s not something that I want to write about right now, maybe later if you’re lucky.

But either way, I love Kyri. I do, thats the thing, I love her, and I know, absoloutely positively, that she loves me as well. But her rationality is keeping her from going into a relationship with me, or going back to (at least) saving ourselves for each other. This is why I dislike rationalism. It clouds feelings, it keeps people away from their feelings. Love is not a rational thing, you can’t pull it down to the level of logic, Love is like Religion; some believe in it and some don’t; and you can’t be rational or logical about it when it comes down to the bone, you have to follow your heart and believe in it.

This is what I hope that I can get her to see.. because If I don’t, I fear loosing her forever.. or to someone else.. or.. yeah, that sounds selfish, it is to be honest.. but, I want to be Her “One and Only”, y`know? I want her to be my “One and Only” as well.. As selfish as it is, I really want that.. is that bad of me? I don’t know..

All I know right now is what my heart is telling me, and it’s telling me that I love her, and that I need to be with her, and that maybe, though it doesn’t matter right now, maybe I have a future with her, and I would be a complete idiot, to ignore my heart.

She signed online…

(3:37:10 PM) navarr6 are you willing to talk to me..?
(3:38:09 PM) navarr6 at all?
(3:40:48 PM) navarr6 i guess not
(3:43:16 PM) navarr6 why are you ignoring me now..?
(10:20:23 PM) navarr6 i’m sorry.. i shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it.. i really don’t want things to be this way…
(10:21:23 PM) navarr6 doelle told me that i shouldn’t bother you.. but i can’t seem to keep myself from wanting to message you.. if i’m annoying you.. i apologize.. i just wanted to let you know how i felt about this mess i’ve made..
(10:22:05 PM) navarr6 if you want me to go.. i will.
(10:22:53 PM) navarr6 i can tell you’re just closing the window.. so.. goodnight.. i hope you have sweet dreams.. i’ll talk to you whenever you choose to let me.

Her status kept changing to typing and then to entered text and then just removed itself.. so she obviously wants nothing to do with me..

She really is.. She wants to fix up what’s just recently happened between Kyriaelison and I…

She tells me that I shouldn’t talk to Kyri for a week, that I should let her be, and after a week (or more), send her a text message, unless Kyri messages me before that…

I’m trying to follow her advice; it’s probably right, and it’s probably in my best interest to do so.. I really don’t like things like this, and I really want to fix what’s up with Kyri instead of it just hanging like this…

For those of you I haven’t told, Kyri and I got in an argument last night…

The start of it spawned from me being upset with her just logging off on me when we’re talking.. but there was a lot that happened during that and after that and even before that that just made things worse and worse, tearing the night down and destroying her birthday.

• She logs off without saying anything while I’m still talking to her, and I always text message her later.. she says and acknowledges this.. and so far I’ve been dealing with it, but it’s something else when you’re talking to someone, they log off, you text them, and they respond in annoyance.
  • “Ugh.  Kitten..”
• This whole “we’re not in a relationship, but we’re loyal to each other” thing has been incredibly confusing for me.. I don’t know what it means to her.. and I still thought we were in a relationship.. however, she doesn’t
  • “We’re not in a relationship.”
• Chris.  Now, I don’t have problems with her having guy friends, Goddess knows most of my friends are female.. but this guy she likes, if he kissed her, she’d kiss him back…
  • It only made me more upset when she said that he “Almost Kissed [her] last night.” (said on Oct 19)
• “Greg is Back”
  • I’m not even entirely sure what she means by this… and so far she hasn’t told me, and the few times I’ve asked, I haven’t gotten a real answer…
• Our time together keeps getting smaller and smaller.
  • I expected and am dealing with this… it just builds up, y`know?
• When I’m upset, she pushes me away and doesn’t really want anything to do with me…
  • I don’t know if this goes for every time I’m upset or not; but she does, at least recently… She used to be a good friend, like Doelle who would at least try to understand… but not anymore…
• “[…] and what we have isn’t really a relationship anyway, more a chore.”
  • This hurts; because she’s not the first person to say it… I can’t even mention who at fear of Kyri never speaking to me again for it.  But… I mean… I don’t want this to be a chore… but it can’t just all be pillows and rainbows… I can’t be expected to be happy all the time… especially when I’m on the receiving end of confusing…  It makes me feel like a pet dog to hear that…

There’s probably a lot more that I can’t even think of right now.. but all this builds up, and when I get upset she just wants me to go and leave her alone…  It doesn’t make any sense.