The Story of my Life

If anything could prove that I am indeed too obsessed with Japan, it would be the fact that I now own a pair of 下駄 (Geta for those of you who don’t read Japanese or Kanji).

Geta are a traditional form of Japanese footwear that is still worn today, they look a lot like this:

In fact, that is exactly what my pair of Geta look like.

Walking in them has been an interesting affair all on it’s own.  You see, Geta are obviously not like normal shoes.  You can’t just simply walk in them and feel right, especially considering the way we do.  I’m not sure if I’m wearing them right, but I have a tendency to try to lift the whole foot up and put the whole foot down at once, so that the two cleats touch the ground at the same time, making a single, nice and natural sounding “clack”, as opposed, of course, to two natural sounding “clacks” that make me feel like I’m a horse. (Two clacks for two feet = “clack clock clack clock”).

I was trying to find the proper way to wear them online, but couldn’t find it anywhere.  I assume that everyone believes if you own a pair of Geta, you probably know how to walk in them.

I have, however, read that you can run in them, and that when doing so you generally balance on only the front cleat.  I was doing this outside just earlier today (mainly for the hell of it) and a little in past days and have found it pretty true.  It’s almost natural how my feet tend to balance on the front cleat when I run.  This was mostly a bad idea outside on the cement and pavement (as it’s written elsewhere) and I’ve already damaged my Geta, even after only three days of use.

If you look carefully at the photo, you can see the wear and tear on both of the cleats, and if you visit the flickr page and look at the original size you can even see some wear and tear at the top (from the front having hit the ground).  Is this normal or not?  I’m not sure.  I don’t happen to live in Japan.  Regardless, though, it has been an interesting experience wearing Geta.

She did say that she was going to be busy during this break, of course, she’s always busy; but as things progress, and I’m not by any means comparing her, but our relationship is slowly starting to be reminiscent of what I had with Heather…

Heather and I were a couple deeply in love.  We had fun together, we could talk, we could crack jokes, and we talked on the phone occasionally, usually IMing the other times.  Kyri, was near the same.  She used to call (back when I was dating Carla) and we used to text a lot, but since Carla broke up with me, and more so since Nikki, Kyri has started straying further and further away.  She never has time to talk on the phone, she rarely even has time to text me anymore.  It reminds me of Heather so much; because I feel like I’ve become the lowest priority.

I’m like a puppy.  I generally call for a lot of attention, and that can be overwhelming, but I can survive on a little bit of attention, but what has bee going on with Kyri, I am getting no attention at all, and this brings about loneliness, sorrow, depression, and all kinds of other feelings I’m not even sure that there are names for.

I was so happy on December 17th.  She acknowledged that I had feelings, that I felt lonely and such, and she even called me, just for a brief time.  But, it was a one time thing.  She hasn’t spoken to me on the phone since, and lately over SMS she’s told me that I’m annoying and that I just need to get over it.

I’ve talked to a number of my friends about it, and I just get different opinions.  @Cherrim says that I should take a break from her; I don’t want a break… and there isn’t much to take a break from… she refuses to date me.  Doelle told me that I should ask her for a schedule that she isn’t busy and isn’t sleeping in, but by Kyri’s words she’s “busy until 2013”.  It’s funny, to me anyway, that her “busy” includes spending plenty of time with her friends… but never a moment with me.

She would always tell me that she loved me and that I was so important to her.  That her friends had no effect on our relationship.  The last time I questioned it, she broke up with me… but looking upon my circumstances; her friends do have a very large effect on our relationship.  Maybe not directly, but they do.

Whenever I think about this, I always come back to, what may be an excuse but, the fact that all of her interactions with me are surreal or unreal.  That we haven’t met in real life, that I’ve never held her or kissed her or even been near her; and I always think that when I do everything will change… I just hope that it’s right, that it will, that maybe one day she’ll understand how I feel and instead of telling me to just “get over it” that maybe she’ll spend some time with me.  Maybe one day she won’t be so busy that she can’t spare five minutes to text or talk to me.  Maybe one day she won’t be so aggravated at me that when I text her she tells me she’s practically busy forever and to leave her the fuck alone because she’s at a party. 

I just, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this.  Whenever I try to talk to her about it she blames it on my shortcomings; but if it’s always my fault, then isn’t this relationship pretty one-sided?  I’m not saying it’s never my fault, but I am saying it’s not always my fault, and that she needs to take some responsibility too.  I can’t think of a single guy that would be okay with the way she treats me, even when I am okay with it.

I just; I miss her a lot.. and all she has for me lately is hostility.  Where has my Kyri gone?

Christmas seems to be less and less important every year.  I’ll never quite understand why, but it does.  I received my presents, and they were all wonderful.  But other than that, it just feels like another day (one full of presents).  I guess Christmas won’t really have much more meaning to me until I get to spend it with the girl I love, or the family we’ll one day have…

Anyway, I guess I should flaunt what I received, as everyone else seems to be doing the same thing, so here goes:

• The New Mobile I wanted!  A Virgin Mobile Shuttle.
• Star Wars (All 6 on DVD)
• Pokémon Diamond & Pearl DVD Box Set (Volume 1)
• Pokémon Battle Frontier (Volume 1)
• A Pair of Geta
• 5 Pair Chopsticks (“For Special Guests”)
• Animal Crossing Wii+ Wii Speak
• Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World
• Chocolate + $25 (from Aunt Gigi, ty~)
• Massage Slippers (from Grandparents, ty~)
• a Wiccan Calendar, and
• a Rubik’s UFO

some furbys are grey,
and others are white
some furbys are black,
as black as night
some have tails, and others manes,
but each furby has its own name
so no two furbys are the same
small of stature, big of heart
all furbys are so very smart
they speak a language all their
own for furbish is a language
quite unknown
furbys need "may-may" (love) and
"may-lah" (hugs) and
they "wee-wee" (sing) and
"loo-loo" (joke)
they play "furby says" and
"hide and seek" and
into the future they can peek
so when you take a furby home
you will never be alone
the more you play, the more
they do furby will keep
amazing you

When she woke up this morning she sent me a text message back to the ones I sent her when I woke up, cuddling close to me and nuzzling into me, when I asked her about it she said that she fell asleep the moment her head touched her pillow.

Maybe once school lets out she’ll have some time for me?

Yes, I’m Venting.

(9:36:43 PM) Navarr: *looks up at you* will you text later, at least?
(9:37:14 PM) Kyri: mmhm
(9:37:27 PM) Navarr *kisses your cheek gently, laying down to nap*

Its 3:40… I just woke up from a weird dream, no text message… She forgot me.

I don’t know why, but I really hate this – well, to be honest, I guess I know entirely why…

This always makes me feel like I’m not her boyfriend – Of course, I’m not, technically – That was her decision.

But the fact of the matter is, we never talk over the phone because she never has the time, I text her often, but she rarely if ever seems to text me if I don’t send her a text (even if I did hours ago, she’ll just never reply)

I hate this, so much – It makes me jealous of Greg.  That’s right, Greg, the asshole, one of the few people I could kill with my own two hands.

Why?  Because I (at least used to) hear from her that she’s texting him, that she texts him, that she talks to him on the phone – I always feel like maybe she does have time, but she doesn’t want to spend it on me – Maybe I’m not real enough to her yet, I’m that “guy from the internet” and nothing makes me feel more like shit than being described as that, but – I’m just not part of her life yet.

I daydreamed today about visiting her, of touching my hand to her cheek and saying “I’m real, remember that – This isn’t a dream, this is my hand you feel against your cheek.” and hope that she remembers I’m real when I leave.

I don’t know how else to feel about this… how am I supposed to feel about this?

So, I was asleep, and this is where it gets interesting:

I wake up to find my room completely different with lots of shelves and some cabinets and my step father is putting a glass on one, asking if I wanted it there, I just nodded yes.  My brother called afterwards and said that he wanted a favor, I told him that if it had anything to do with needing money, then no.  He said that was a problem, and that he had to tell the person to whom the book belonged – I questioned him what book, but lost the part after that.

I’m then talking to my parents about my brother as my mother hands me some futuristic-looking yet (to us) yet older-looking (in the dream) phone that swivels around, kind of like the patents that I saw on my feed reader today.  It was cool and I wanted to keep it to toy with, even though it was too big to be a phone, and my mother said it was my brother’s.

Somewhere around here I walk up to my friends house (in the dream, it seemed to be based off of where I used to live with my grandparents in North Carolina) and just a lot of weird shit with this cow happened, and the things were like taking life or something, and I got creped out and kind of scared so I ran before realizing I was asleep…

Its somewhere around here that I woke up.. in my dream.  Only to realize that I was going to be late to some sort of Japanese class.  I ride my bike up the hill and into the bike shop, as always (as it felt, in reality, I have no clue where this is coming from) and they asked me if I needed something, and I talk along the lines of, “No, I just need to do something” and they ask “something you couldn’t do out front?” and I say “well, I wanted to ask you guys some questions…”  At which point I realized how badly bent my bicycle steering was (did I mention that I knew it was bent as I rode up the hill?) and I went to fix it, before the front slacked down, I investigated, and there was no wheel, nothing but these slack tires that look like they came from one of my brother’s in-real-life bicycles, and I go “shit, you have to be kidding me” as everything goes blurry.. and then I start thinking “crap, I’m in a dream again.” and I ask the people about it and they’re like “No.. but you need to get off that weed” and I’m like “no no no no no I don’t do that.. I’m just tired..” and they’re like “oh, I bet you do that needle stuff then” or something like that and I just keep going “no no no no no no no!  There’s nothing worse than needles!” until I wake up.. to find myself in my bedroom.. thank you god.. but then..

some weird ghost shadow is on the wall, crawling up onto my bed and towards me.. I cant see where a person would be, just this shadow on the wall, and he’s saying something about my son (? I don’t have one…) before I forcibly grab control of my body (in dream) to sit up, and I shake myself until I wake up for real.

This shit doesn’t read scary, but it’s truly horrifying when you experience it.  As I was gaining consciousness in my dream, I thought such things as “its another dream.. I’m not going to be able to escape.. I’m going to wake up.. and it’ll be another dream… I’m not going to wake up again.. I’m going into a coma aren’t I…”.  To be honest with you, I’m still not 100% sure this isn’t a dream too.. it doesn’t feel like a dream, nothing is blurry, everything seems real… I just hope its not.. I’m going to try to go back to sleep again soon.. please, If I die, make sure my parents and Kyriaelison read this..

I don’t think it is though.. I don’t seem to have blogging and IM and Facebook and Twitter in my dream.. so I can hope that this is real.

“As we renew our schools and highways, we’ll also renew our information superhighway. It is unacceptable that the United States ranks 15th in the world in broadband adoption. Here, in the country that invented the internet, every child should have the chance to get online, and they’ll get that chance when I’m President – because that’s how we’ll strengthen America’s competitiveness in the world.

In addition to connecting our libraries and schools to the internet, we must also ensure that our hospitals are connected to each other through the internet. That is why the economic recovery plan I’m proposing will help modernize our health care system – and that won’t just save jobs, it will save lives. We will make sure that every doctor’s office and hospital in this country is using cutting edge technology and electronic medical records so that we can cut red tape, prevent medical mistakes, and help save billions of dollars each year.”

Change.gov

“don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind.  love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.”

Natalie, age 9.

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