The Story of my Life

What is a soul? What is love?  Neither can be seen or touched and yet people have always believed in their existence.  Perhaps these intangibles are more real than the things we see around us, for all things must pass.  But can the same be said of love?  Can the same be said of the soul?

and another:

What is this invisible mystery called love?  Many deny its very existence, but those who experience it know it to be real.  Though they can not touch it, they can feel it in their heart.  And those who have experienced pure love all agree on one thing: That life would be but a hollow pageantry without it.

- Narrator, Galaxy Railways episode 16 (both)

After being hurt in life, some of us build defenses.  We become hardened and, out of fear of getting hurt again, we don’t permit ourselves to feel.  Often times this goes unchecked and we remain bitter to the end but, in some cases, life brings us to a special event that tears down our defenses and fills our hearts with hope once again.

- Narrator, Galaxy Railways episode 14

Very rarely do I actually spend time to think about life, love, and actually dig down into the deep and brooding emotions it contains.. but when I do, I always come up with something I want to say to her, something I want to push towards her, to try to make her realize what I’ve been going on about all along, but these things are always something I’m too cowardly to tell her.  I’m scared that if I truly try to push it, if I try to show her these beliefs, to slap her in the face with these words, that she’ll do the part of them that I don’t want her to; that she’ll take the easy way out, so that she doesn’t have to deal with me, or her feelings, or love at all… I’m always scared that she’ll decide Love isn’t worth it; that she’ll go with logic, and do things for logic’s sake, instead of following her heart… I wish, for once, things would go the way they’re supposed to…

To the person I love most of all:

Knock this shit off.

I love you, with every bit of my heart and soul; to such an extent that I would kindly give up what little life I have for you, and you know this.

You abuse it.

You’ve once told me yourself, that maybe it’s because I’m always there, that you know I won’t leave… that’s no reason to abuse it – doing so is plain selfish.

I know you.  You’re not selfish.

So what then, is your problem?

You LOVE me.  You know it.  You’ve exclaimed it.  You’ve, figuratively, placed my hands over your heart and said to me “It’s yours.”

Why then, are you with him?

I can’t change your mind, I can’t make your decisions for you.

But this is wrong.

You’re toying with my emotions and for what?  To be with a guy you don’t love?  A guy that, it almost feels like you’re TRYING to fall in love with, because you’ve had a crush on him, because he’s been a wonderful friend.  You care about him, and you love him in that caring way.  But you do not LOVE him.  Do you?

If I was to die tomorrow, would you regret putting me in the position I’m in?

Would you regret not taking the risk to follow your heart, to be in the relationship that you’ve constantly showed me you yearn for, but are always too scared to be with?  Too detached from the world of spirituality and love to be in?

Would you regret being in a relationship with no True Love?

Why is this?

Why will you change your mind a thousand times against me, when your heart continues to point in the same direction?

We both know it’s true.  Have you not tried to distance yourself from me, just so that you won’t have the desire to curl up into my arms? To kiss me? To make love with me?  These desires, they are not of the mind.  They are not pure lust, or longing – though they do invoke such feelings as well – they originate from your heart, and we both know it.

Come on, it can’t be lust, I’m surely no good looker.

We’ve both done horrible things to hurt each other, to push each other away, but we always find some way to get over it, to forgive each other, to be the best and closest of friends.

If we stay on the phone long enough, even in a heated discussion.  We go back to meowing and “I love you”s.  Even if we were fighting over how much we absolutely hated each other and what we do to each other.

Is this not the essence of our love?

Why is it that you do not even consider me until I’ve practically lost my sanity and calmed down again?

Shall I list some things I would do for you?

• I would purchase a cell phone and buy unlimited texting
• I would apply to university, an institution of education (something I hate)
• I would literally pack up and move across the country
• I would make people hate me, I would hurt my closest of friends
• I would sit down for four hours, taking a god-awful test when I’ve been sick to my stomach for a week
• I would spend six months faking Catholicism
• I would save up any spare money I could for years, to buy the most beautiful ring possible

You know which one’s I’ve done, you know which one I plan to do, and you know two that are strong possibilities.

Why such an odd list?  Because they’re the things out of the ordinary.  The things that people wouldn’t even normally think of doing for a single person.

Would you like the normal list?

• I would hold you
• I would kiss you
• I would miss you
• I would do whatever was in my power to make you happy
• I would pluck the moon from the sky, destroying oceans and killing thousands of innocent lives
• I would go to the ends of the earth, and return with the rarest gem I could find attached to a ring.

Why am I still not worth it?

What would he do that I would not?

What is the one advantage he has?

• Being there right now.

Would he still accept you if he knew the things I do?

Why won’t you stop acting like this?

Are you still afraid of me?  Do you still not entirely trust me?

I know I’m still afraid, I know that I still have a ways to go before I can trust you the way we once trusted each other.

I know that I can do it.

I know that I can trust you again.

I know that I can grow.  That you can grow.  That We can grow.

Why is it that we are not a We?

Why is it, that you delay our love?

Would you truly be able to move on, in an instant, if you lost me?  What if you lost me forever?

When is it that you will stand up for your heart, and follow where it leads you?

When is it, that the Kyri I once knew, the Kyri that once followed her dreams, will wake up again?

I want her to remember all that we’ve been through.

I want her to remember all of the good.

I want her to remember how much she loves me.

And I want her to remember that fateful day when she said:

“I love you more when I hate you than I could ever love him.”

What is it you’re waiting for?

Wonderful! Oh, it’s wonderful
To be in love with you.
Beautiful! You’re so beautiful,
You haunt me all day through.

Every little breeze seems to whisper "Kyri~"
Birds in the trees seem to twitter "Kyri~"
Each little rose
Tells me it knows I love you, love you.

Every little beat that I feel in my heart,
Seems to repeat, What I felt from the start,
Each little sigh
Tells me that I adore you, Kyri~

Just to see and hear you
Brings joy I never knew.
But to be so near you,
Thrills me through and through.

Anyone can see why I wanted your kiss,
It had to be But the wonder is this:
Can it be true,
Someone like you Could love me, Kyri~?

Every little breeze seems to whisper "Kyri~"
Birds in the trees seem to twitter "Kyri~"
Each little rose
Tells me it knows I love you, love you.

Every little beat that I feel in my heart,
Seems to repeat, What I felt from the start,
Each little sigh
Tells me that I adore you, Kyri~

Just to see and hear you
Brings joy I never knew.
But to be so near you,
Thrills me through and through.

Anyone can see why I wanted your kiss,
It had to be But the wonder is this:
Can it be true,
Someone like you Could love me, Kyri~?

With the way things are lately, I’ve been thinking about both love and Kyri a lot… and I have a lot to say about both of them.  I’ll start first with the more-specific “Navarr is still in love with Kyri?” thing first.

I’m going to make a statement… and I know Kyri reads my blog, and it’s okay if she reads this.. I need to get my feelings out; and I’m partially sorry that they’re this way, but only because they’re selfish.  It’s often been said that love is encrusted with jealousy… Who wants to lose the person they love…?

To be honest… I don’t want Kyri and Chris to be together… Most of this is jealousy and selfishness, but I think a bit of it might not be… it may have been created from those feelings, and it may not have been.  I don’t personally know, all I know is I feel this way.

I don’t feel like they belong together.  I probably never well…  Part of me thinks that something bad will come of them being together; but mostly… I guess I just want Kyri back to myself… I love her… I want her… I need her… you know?  Life just isn’t the same without being able to snuggle up into her arms at night and just kiss her, just show her how much I love her…

and I do miss her.. I miss her a lot… and I do love her… I love her a lot… I want her back, badly.

The other night, I was apologizing for the atrocities I’ve made in our relationship (most of my friends know about what she’s done… not all of them know what I’ve done), and I just wanted so badly to be rid of these feelings… that if I can make up for all that I’ve done wrong… I can be able to cuddle her.. and show her my feelings.. and eventually restore the trust that she has had in me, that I’ve skewed and lowered…  The trust in our relationship is a double-sided sword.  I trust her… but not in the way she’d expect me to… and I know that if we got back together, we would have to work our way through it… but I know that we’d be able to, and that it’d definitely be worth it.

She made a joke that night… it was an old joke that we share… but as much as I saw it as a joke, I secretly wished that she would… and I knew it’d be out of love…

I know she loves me… her actions towards me show it… and she even says it now (and oh my lord it makes me the happiest man in the world to hear those three words roll off her tongue).

I’m fairly sure she won’t be leaving Chris… especially anytime soon… though I wish she would… He’s not right for her.. and as much as we fight, and argue… we always make up for it.. we always apologize and cuddle, and we’re never to the point of being violent to each other.  I would never, ever hit her.  And I’ve only felt the desire to once… Yet even so, I would never lay a finger on her that would not be a gentle touch or caress, for she is the woman I love; n’est-ce pas?

*laughs* Since she’s going to be an English teacher, you think she’ll return to me if I write a decent persuasive essay on why she should?

So today, an interesting though occurred to me… It dealt with Lovers and Fighting… Everyone says things like “you fight like an old married couple” or “you fight like lover’s”.

The only sort of explanation for this occurrence is that it’s “how they show their love for each other.”  I’m sure other people know the philosophical details of such an approach, but I wanted to cover over the thoughts that occurred to me today on it.

Why do school friends rarely fight?  They have nothing to fight over.  They’re opinion don’t affect each other’s life’s that greatly, and when they do they’re fighting because their life was affected in a way that they did not want or did not like.  This is the difference between friends and lovers.

When you are in love with someone… all of their opinions matter to you… Would you be more appalled if one of your everyday friends tells you “you look ugly today” or if the person that you know you love with every cubic millimeter of your heart tells you “you look ugly today”?  Obviously, your lover.

Because of this emotional attachment to the feelings, the judgments, and the thoughts of the other’s lover – fights occur.  Any small differences in opinion or different thoughts about what direction the relationship should be heading in, or how much time should be spent together can result in a fight… especially if not settled first peacefully.

Sometimes though, when something can be settled peacefully.. it is instead thought insignificant to the beholder of the opinion, and it can build and build and build until it’s just too much to handle, and something so small that could’ve easily been discussed results in a fight.

It’s important for me to note that this is really all I can think about… they were ideas that just popped into my mind and I felt like I needed to write down, so I’ve done it.  They’re down.  Enjoy.

• I submitted my application three days ago.
• I requested my LSC grades be sent the other day
• They won’t even send until at least the 5th.
• I emailed my counselor asking what I need to do to send my High School grades.
• I take the SAT on the 24th.

Okay, this is absolutely amazing.  I applied using their web portal, and my acceptance notification came by SMS (they’re sending more info via Post)

Navarr, congratulations – you’ve been accepted to Hawaii Pacific University!  Details in snail mail coming soon.

I think I might choose BGSU as my first choice over HPU, if they accept me anyway.  I mean, HPU is cheaper, and definitely a good school; but BGSU has Japanese as a Major, whereas HPU only has it as a minor.

So yeah, that’s it, I’ve been accepted into Hawai’i Pacific University… go me!

Have you ever noticed that?

Love and Life both have their own little ways of screwing the people involved in them over, and the situation itself is always more complicated than the people involved tend to realize.  Especially in love.

I’m going to get a lot of questions, and I’m going to have a lot of different answers, but I think this is going to end up being the best place for a common result – What’s the deal with Kyri?

Please note, that when I use the term “mine” or “hers” it’s not meant as possessive as it sounds.  Personally, I always felt like being “hers” was an honorary title.  I am Hers, whether she accepts, acknowledges, or approves of it or not.  I still feel as such.  I was being an idiot for thinking differently, personally, over something so small.  There are lots of different reasons for what happened.. I still considering it cheating.. but.. in the future, it’s going to be something I’m going to have to overlook; especially if I am to continue believing in love… She felt guilty about it.. and that means a lot to me… I just wish she would’ve thought of what would’ve happened because of it before she did it… but you can’t have everything, right?

My problem is, of course, that she is no longer mine.  I guess this one is kind of possessive, but not like an object.. mine as in, I am not the person who gets all of her love?  It’s a difficult concept that my mind has created; but I digress. She is not mine.. she is Chris’s.  I wish that wasn’t true, I wish to God I could make a time machine and go back and fix everything.. Unfortunately, I can’t, so I have to deal with what’s put on my plate.

I feel, and I know this is probably incredibly untrue and a very temporary feeling, like I’ve grown more mature in the past few days.  I’ve realized more things I have to do, I’ve realized maybe why I have to do them.. but they all stem from my goal… I want to prove that her annoyance towards me is as unbiased as it seems from my point of view; and I want to show her this in the only way I can.

I still, as bad of an idea as it may be, plan to see her this summer.  I’m going to visit her, and I’m going to spend about 5 days with her.  At this time, it is planned as friends (for those of you who would think otherwise).  And we’re going to go to the mall, hang out, maybe play some video games and/or go out to eat (if she’s up for it).  Maybe if I’m really lucky I can take her to see a movie?  And hopefully.. we’ll get some time to just be together and talk.. kind of like what we’ve always wanted.. I’d hope she’d show me to her friend’s that hate me, so I can kind of show that I’m not the cheating bastard they think I am.  I’m really not.

So, lately, things have been really weird.  They’ve been entirely awful, yet entirely wonderful, both at the very same time.

This has very bad implications to my mentality, yet I can’t help but enjoy it.

Kyri and I have been very distantly close lately, as those on my Twitter and Facebook now know.  We’ve been talking a lot the past few days, and we’ve been super-close… but only as friends.  That’s my only issue with it… we’re only friends.  With us being “only friends,” I can’t kiss her, I have to be careful hugging her, and we can never go any further than simple hugs.  It’s a weird, awkward, world for me.. yet I still enjoy it.  I enjoy every second of being around her, of being with her, of feeling that awkwardness because it’s her I feel awkward around.  Does this make any sense?

A lot of people tend to call me crazy when I talk like this… maybe Love is a form of insanity?  If it is, then I never want to be sane again =3

I’ve applied for three colleges:

• Bowling Green State University (BGSU)
• Hawai’i Pacific University (HPU)
• Cabrini College

Kyri has been accepted into BGSU, Doelle is applying to HPU, and Cabrini was free to apply to.

I’m taking my SAT on the 24th.

I’m really hoping to get into BGSU… I think that in doing so, I will finally be able to patch things up with Kyri, and maybe even her friends.  (I think they really hate me)

I know that I never even considered going to college before… It was always my mother and my grandparents that were pushing me, and I’m not entirely sure what has possessed me to apply now, but I have.  And if I’m accepted, I’m definitely going – Despite the massive amount of debt we all know that I’m going to get myself into because of it.  Makes me wish Real Life was more like Animal Crossing.

I apologize for how odd this blog post is.  It’s spanned about three days of writing, and will include a lot of tags.  It was a lot to write about, so it took awhile to gather all of my thoughts and list them.

I’ll try not to do it this way again, okay? ^.~