The Story of my Life

You applied poison to your lips and came into my room, right?
With your kiss, my body and mind seem to melt away already
The me who I really hate, at age 19
The me who I really hate, at age 19
Even though your heart is so beautiful that it nauseates me
Why do you kiss me, when I can’t even do a thing?
The days that I really hate, at age 19
The face that I really hate, at age 19
Like a black swallowtail butterfly, I want to fly with proud wings
Please don’t say, "It’s pointless," such a life is fine, is fine…
If it’s impossible to only remove my soiled soul
Then where do I walk to will I be able to call it my future?
A suspended dream, at age 19
A suspended lie, at age 19
I want to be a black swallowtail butterfly and be loved by everyone
Even if I’m not almost there, just a tiny moment is fine, is fine…
The me who I really hate, at age 19
The me who I really hate, at age 19
Like a black swallowtail butterfly, I want to fly with proud wings
Please don’t say, "It’s pointless," such a life is fine
I want to be a black swallowtail butterfly and be loved by everyone
Even if I’m not almost there, just a tiny moment is fine, is fine…

It’s amazing the complex emotions a tiny green icon can make you feel.    Or how it can quickly force you to realize something else.

Just seeing that tiny green icon can spawn instantaneous happiness.. leading to anxiety, jealousy, and even depression.  Or maybe I’m just crazy?  I come across that conclusion a lot.

I’ve never really noticed it before, but it feels so lonely to think someone is there, and either they’re not – or you can’t talk to them… really lonely.

I miss her, bunches.

In response to my blog post yesterday, it seems to just be my imagination.  After about an hour after we got off the phone, she texted me, unable to sleep and she seemed a lot calmer.  It’d been a very long couple of days with Thanksgiving and all (she has a large family).  She asked If I’d like to talk over the phone and I immediately called her (which, in my opinion worked a lot better than my asking “shall i call you?” to make sure she’s ready – There are very few times when she’s not, so I think I’ll just take this approach from here on out).  We talked about food (again) and families and nothing in particular, and then she started to fall asleep on me (She’ll never understand how much I love this… probably because she’s used to me being upset about it – you know, when I used to be upset with something she’d do and call her and she’d start falling asleep on me while i was crying or upset.. Yeah.. but that was a long time ago).

So yeah, it had everything to do with Thanksgiving.

We talked some this morning (over text) because I had a dream about her, and then we continued to talk about our families and stuff like what our future wedding would be like (big).

So, in the end, its really just my own imagination.

(This is just me thinking)

Things have been kind of weird since she’s got home for break… she’s barely talked to me, and when she does she normally seems kind of upset when she leaves… but maybe it’s just me?

I don’t know.  I was talking to her tonight while she was texting someone… She, missed what I said a few times because of it.  I thought something was going on because she heaved a sigh after she finished texting whoever, and I asked her what was wrong, and she told me I didn’t listen…

I don’t understand, am I doing something wrong?  She refused to explain and at that point texted them again and just told me she was tired, again and again as I asked her to… At the end she just said it wasn’t important and I heaved a sigh of dissatisfaction and told her I loved her and goodnight before she left…

She was really excited about thanksgiving a week ago, she had told me she would get to talk to me every night – don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset that she’s not or anything – but she’s been acting kind of different since she got home.

Maybe it has to do with Thanksgiving?  I don’t know at this point.

Other than that though, things are going wonderfully with her <3  From talking to her recently, it seems like the time we were going to get together over Spring has been postponed to Summer, which is a drag but I’ll live.

I just wish I could see her over Winter break too, lol.

That’s all for now, I guess.

Because it ruins the whole concept to go:

Sorry mom, I can’t go that week; I’m planning to elope.

The two of us have been blogging a lot recently, although she has been blogging a LOT more than I have lately! I mean, I’ve posted all these small updates, mostly with songs but she’s writing huge pages including long paragraphs about the love we feel for each other.

Of course, I can’t really say I’m surprised – she’s going to be a wonderful writer. I just feel kind of incompetent without doing the same. Though, I have a perfectly good excuse – too many people read my blog, and it’s synced with Facebook – which means some secrets we have that she can write in hers, I can’t write in mine.

Either way, I think this is a very fitting song and I’m going to petition to have it play at our wedding ;p

#songsForOurWedding

Before I fall into a long sleep:

We’ve both joked about that old saying, but today we did it.  We’re officially boyfriend/girlfriend together for the third time, and I raise a glass of “wine” to the health of our ever-lasting love.  かんぱい!

It is nice to be considered her boyfriend, even though this title changes nothing in reality.  Maybe I view life a little too much like an MMORPG?

Either way, we both know there will be many challenges ahead of us – the first being our long distance relationship.  However, I’m certain we’re both stronger than we were before, and together we’ll be able to accomplish this feat and plow through this first challenge to our relationship.

This time, I’m more determined than ever to be a good boyfriend, and one day a good husband as well.