The Story of my Life

What can one possibly write down about love?  It is the strangest emotion on the planet, one that nobody feels the same way about.  Who is it that decides what makes a couple?  Why two people should be together?  Who is it that triggers such intense and passionate feelings between two people, even if they share nothing in common?  What makes Love?

I always try to think of a way to explain it, but it never works.  Unfortunately, this may be my very undoing.  The one thing that could possibly ruin our relationship – not being able to explain why we should be together.  The hobbies, likes, and dislikes we share are few and far between.  Our religions are even different, yet we still love each other.  We still feel compelled to be with each other.  Something pushes us together.  Is it fate?  Is it destiny?  Is it just our imaginations?  I can’t even describe.. all I can think is that I love her, and I want to be with her forever.  Of this, I no longer doubt.  I am sure of it, for some reason I can’t possibly begin to describe.

However, that’s selfish of me, isn’t it?  I tend to try to push things on her that I shouldn’t.. make her do (or not) do things that are separate from the norm… Why?  Why must I force my own opinions and beliefs on her?  I don’t know.. and even though I do sometimes, whether she listens/agrees or not… she still feels compelled to be by my side in some way.  Of that, I’m more than grateful for.  I’ve done so much to hurt her in the past, yet still she trusts me to protect her, to love her, to hold her close.

I have a few doubts about our relationship from time to time.  What if she doesn’t like me anymore, or she discovers a small tick of mine she doesn’t like?  My guess is that its just the remnants of my bipolarity that she’s all but cured.  When I was thinking of what to tell her when I thought that she was different, or why I thought she was different.  It never occurred to me.  With the way our relationship is now, she is the only woman I’ve ever been with that – while we’re together – I’ve never felt the urge to cry with no reason to explain why I’m crying.  I still get overly upset over smaller things, but I no longer cry for no reason.  I only cry when something hurts me.  And its amazing.  She’s the only person who’s ever been able to do this to me.  That’s why she feels like my missing puzzle piece, that’s why I feel like I need her – apart from how much I love and care about her – she actually tends to complete who I am.

Unfortunately for my romantic ways, she’s more of a logician.  Where I feel people should be together because they love each other, because they grow together and their emotions affect one another, she feels that people should be together for their similarities – something we have very little (if any) of, as I wrote earlier.  Because we started out as a long distance relationship, we don’t have memories that we share (apart from each other) of times in the past.  Last night, I told her my very dull and dry past, because she said that we don’t know about each other’s past.. and there wasn’t much if anything to tell her.  I’ve lived a very average, very dull life.  The only way to change this is to make memories with each other in the future – but that doesn’t change the fact that there is no real reason for her to stay by me from a logical standpoint.

So what can I possibly do?  Yuki tells me that I need to show her and make her understand that Love doesn’t need to be logical.  That logic isn’t needed in a relationship.  To follow your heart and accept what you feel, to be happy with the person you love.  We do make each other happy in ways, but we also bring out the other extremes in each other – is that what Love is?  What is Love?  I can’t even possibly begin to comprehend it.

Then, there’s always the fact that we’re so young.  We’re both in, what under normal circumstances would be, our first year of College.  There’s so much left in the world, why should we attach ourselves to each other so quickly?  That’s not something she points out a lot, but it is something other’s point out a lot, and to be honest I don’t know a good answer.  All I know is mine – which is that if we wait, if we split our separate ways and “wait and see” if we end up back together, if we still love each other after so much time – it’s very possible, and almost a hundred percent likely that we’re just going to hurt each other more than we already have with our pasts.

Unfortunately for both of us, I’m very straightedge and can’t comprehend or even deal with most of what the current society deems acceptable behavior.  Smoking (not even marijuana, but cigarettes!), Sex, even so much as kissing other people doesn’t sit well with me, and it becomes very hard, very quickly for me to find a way to let her past and her current situations stand without changing who I am – but I do it for some reason, some how.  Is it right?  I don’t know.. but it feels right.

All I can say is I love her, even with her past – and I would in the future too – but it would hurt, very very much to have to go through any of this all over again.

So, what could I possibly say to show her that our love is true – that we don’t need a reason to be together other than the fact that we deeply love each other?

Which is a shame, considering today I wanted to continue pushing forward with our renewed friendship and emotions, and continue attempting to move back to part of what we used to be.. I’ll just continue moving slowly as is for now, considering today’s love horoscope.

When it comes to love in this period, Aries, it is going to feel like a roller coaster. Whether you are single or attached, up and down emotions with energies running high make for uncomfortable moments today, so avoid hasty choices or deep discussions. If tempers flare, just don’t go there, spare yourself and your romantic partner or interest the hassle. Commitments made now will tend to partake of this atmosphere, so have the patience to wait a little before moving ahead. Progress towards your romantic goals is likely in this period, but you will need some patience through it.

Aries

Something about the spirit of the holiday season may be causing someone to either come clean or slip a little bit, Aries, because hidden motivations or other secrets can be revealed today. You will need to accept the idea that things aren’t always as they appear to be, and pay attention to actions rather than words. This could mean a lot for your reputation, and at the very least, give you some leverage against someone who’s been lording it over you. Once again, be careful, and take the time to investigate the situation; don’t jump to conclusions or make false judgments.

Love Horoscope

Merry Christmas, Aries! With today will come a wealth of warmth and blessings for you, as whether you are single or attached, you appear perhaps more charming and refined than usual, and this will bless your romantic affairs. Regardless of your day’s events, you can expect some interesting opportunities with love to crop up in this period. Now could be the time to make that date or just step into the front of the line and make yourself known. Also, this can be a time when you are forced to confront and deal with an unhealthy relationship, but the sooner you nip this in the bud, the better off you will be. With the new year ahead, you want to make room for as much positive energy as possible.

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

So we broke up declared the events of that day never happened.

We’re quite happy now.

Also, I’m thinking of moving to Toledo.  Maybe within a year, if possible?

What do you think?

Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..

But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..

It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.

All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.

I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again.  She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together.  I told her because we love each other.  That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they?  They’re just my imagination running amok again.  I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason.  They’re not true.

I Love Her, and I always will.  I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope…  How come every time we go out, she gets like this?  I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?

I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text.  I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.

We always do, don’t we?

This is how my girlfriend and I spent the last bit of the evening.  I’ve taken her name out of it to respect her privacy.  A lot of people she knows could find this and I don’t know if she’d get into trouble or not so I figured i should just change it.

My Love: -smiles, kissing you gently- i want this. All of it. So badly

Me: *smiles softly as he kisses you again, blushing* don’t worry.. I’ll give it to you.. *blushes deeper*

My Love: -smiles, moving her ring to her left hand again, this becoming a nightly tradition

Me: *laughs softly as he kisses you gently* you don’t leave it there?

My Love: You’re not supposed to wearing it on your left. Unless you’re married. I put it there at night.

Me: *shakes his head softly as he kisses you again* on your left and facing inward is married.. on your left and outward is engaged. *smiles*

My Love: I’ve never heard that before. Outward implies your heart is free for the taking.

Me: *nods softly* but only on your right hand.. it conveys four statuses.. available, taken, engaged, or married… *smiles* i read up on it…

My Love: Well I’m going off traditional teaching from the cottage.

Me: *laughs softly and nods, kissing you again* do you wear it on your right inwards for me? *purrs softly*

My Love: During the day. At night i wear it on my left hand in

Me: *kisses you soft and lovingly, smiling as he holds you close, touching his right hand to your heart* so then, this is mine? *purrs softly*

My Love: -smiles and nods her head- always and forever

Me: *purrs softly, relaxing and nuzzling you* we’ll have the most wonderful wedding…

My Love: -blushes and smiles, looking into your eyes- why is that

Me: *purrs softly, smiling as he nuzzles into your neck* because it will be our wedding…

My Love: *laughs and smiles, holding close* i feel a few words before a judge would be just as great

Me: *smiles softly and nods* as do I.. *purrs and kisses over your neck* but we need one for our gigantic family, don’t we?

My Love: -smiles- perhaps… Though that’s more religious and such…

Me: *nods softly, kissing you again as he giggles* that’ll be a fun mess.

My Love: -smiles, gently holding her hands to her belly- if you don’t have your way and get me pregnant first

Me: *laughs softly as he blushes* that’ll be an even more fun mess.. *chuckles* and what do you mean have my way? *smiles*

My Love: -kisses you tenderly- if we were able and ready, with a house, stable jobs. Would you purposely try to get me pregnant

Me: *smiles, kissing you back ten dearly* try? no.. but it’d probably happen anyway, wouldn’t it? *smiles playfully*

(note about the grammatical and spelling errors – this conversation took place over SMS).