The Story of my Life

Well, once all of that was over, we had a lovely night talking together on the phone.  I doubt I’ll hear much from her during spring break,but I hope she enjoys herself ♥

I’m not sure why, but hearing her say that (“Now You’re annoying me”) when my texts go unanswered for two hours (late at night, while expecting her call) really hurt.  Over the course of two hours, I sent her only 4 texts, waiting for her return while she was out with friends.  One was a response to hers, two others were pretty much together, one after the other asking if she was coming home soon, and the fourth was asking her to text me when she wanted to talk, because it had gotten late enough that if she called I’d get in trouble for waking my parents.  I call her (no answer) and leave her a simple voicemail, asking if she was still out and to text me and she replied back only with “Now You’re annoying me.”  I asked her “What did I do?” and “Whats wrong, love?” but with no response to either, so now I’m sitting here in the dark, lonely and hurt and I don’t even know why.

Is she punishing me for hanging out with my friend yesterday?  I told her fairly early that I was going over to Zach’s and she said “okay.”  Only this morning did she let me know that she was upset, that she had wanted to talk to me since it was the first day of her break.  We discussed it and I told her that if something was upsetting her or if she didn’t want me to do something she needed to let me know.  She even said she “wasn’t that upset with me.”  (A white lie?  I can’t tell…)

I had taken a nap in the middle of the day, and had told her I was doing so with which she replied “don’t sleep too long. Tonights the last night till friday we can talk on the phone.”

Did I really do something wrong…?

You are going through some new beginnings when it comes to love, Aries. These changes may or may not mean someone new in your life, but they will certainly mean that your outlook improves on the romantic front. A specific person may appear to you in an all new light today, and someone will come to mean everything to you during this time. You will find that your emotions are moving in a way that prepares you for a brand new cycle with love. You will also find yourself to be exceptionally creative during this period, so if you take a risk or two, you will be very satisfied with the results. This is a period of change that will certainly move you forward with your romantic goals.

She said it better than I ever could.  Life needs an easy button.. one I wish I could just push to make this huge argument (and Him) go away.  I wish holding her and telling her I love her served some purpose to comfort her instead of hurt her further.

I just feel so powerless, like everything I do or write or say only makes things worse and worse… I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do any longer…

Do you love her? yes…

Do you care about her? yes…

Do you trust her? mostly…

Its very hard to have complete and total trust in someone… My generally answer: Yes.  I trust her.  But there are circumstances in which my faith is lacking – all of which she generally knows (after all, I’m the possessive jealous type, I can’t keep that in check 24/7.. it has to come out sometime).  Most of the time its about Him.  God I HATE him with EVERY FIBER in my being.  (Interestingly, the exact same fibers with which I love her, hmm – coincidence?  I THINK NOT).  He confuses her, he befriends her, he angers her (so do I…) and I hate him for it.. because whenever we get in an argument he’s THERE.  And I know he wants Her.  I don’t know if he wants her forever, or if he wants to use her or anything like that.. all I know is he wants her.. He wants to take her away from me and that makes me very upset and very nervous whenever she’s around him.

I mean, in the same post I wrote about how much I was nervous about him being around her, I also wrote that I was looking forward to this summer, I was looking forward to being with her, I was looking forward to meeting him and, excuse the momentary lapse of controlling my emotions, telling him to “stay the fuck away from my girl.”  (Would I have said that?  Absolutely not, I’m way too polite.  Though I would have wanted to, badly.  If he could manage to piss me off, then maybe, but otherwise, no…)

But now… neither of us know what’s going on… Our world’s have been thrown into chaos.  Some of it her fault, some of it my fault, but all of it HIS.  GOD I HATE HIM.

Don’t take this the wrong way: but is it seriously okay for her to keep talking to him, when she doesn’t want me to talk to Carla for the exact same reason?

Source: What turned you on Today?

So, first off for our nice little list is that Lent started.  Thats been nothing but a gigantic bunch of fun.  Well, at first anyway.  It started off with not being able to talk to her much if at all, since she had decided to give up Instant Messenging and SMS – but she quickly broke IM, and then SMS before deciding that she was giving those things up for the wrong reason.  Now the only thing she’s giving up for lent is Facebook, and I’m happy and snuggly with my baby again, lol.

Of course, things always like to have the worst possible timing don’t they?  Greg decided to call her the other night, and he did nothing but upset her.  She wants to hate him, but she can’t, but he does bother her to no end.  He’s going to be back in her town (his home town) all summer long, and that makes me nothing but nervous after what happened in December.  Kyri and I have talked a lot about it though, and there should be nothing for me to worry about.  On top of that, Kyri says that when I visit her this summer she’s going to introduce me to him, and that after that he’ll leave her alone for good as per some pre-arranged agreement between the two…

So then there’s smoking.  This isn’t such a big thing, mostly because nothing has happened.  We were talking today and she asked me how upset at her I’d be if she started smoking socially (as opposed to smoking to relieve stress like she was last year).  I’m not entirely sure why, but my entire body basically became rigid.  I hate smoking… It’s unattractive, its bad for you, and I just don’t like it, so I told her the truth – “More than you can fathom.”  I don’t understand why I’d hate it so much, but I would.  I’d be so very upset with her for some reason, despite how much I love her.  Meh, she said it was okay for me to not want her to smoke, and from the way our conversation went, I don’t think she’s going to.

Meh, what a pain this has become.  We started off lent happilly, actually.  Even though we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other as much as we had been – we were still going to talk as much as we could on the phone.  Then Greg happened and I’ve been in worry-mode ever since.  I just can’t relax when I have to think about the type of thin ice I’m on every time he’s around…  Kyri doesn’t think I should worry, so I probably don’t have anything to worry about anymore.  I know she loves me with all of her heart, and would never betray or cheat on me, so I should really just calm down and show her how much I love her, shouldn’t I? ♥

Felt that it would be best if I didn’t post this to her wall.  A damn shame too, I’d get giggles out of people’s reactions.  Oh well, at least I have my blog ♥

Dear Emotions: Do you know no bounds??  Do I really have to be jealous over this?  Seriously?  I really don’t want to, can’t you just give me a freakin’ break?

The only thing I hate worse than having emotions you don’t think you should be feeling over ridiculous things is having to bottle them up because you don’t want to face any number of possible consequences for having said feelings.

So, she wants to visit us both during the summer.  So, she loves both of us.  So, she’s no longer in love with me which puts us basically at equal footing – so far as I know.  Should I be jealous?  I really don’t think so.  Either way, I am, and I think said jealous needs to stop.

The last time she wanted to visit him the situation was far more dire (by which I mean severely not in my favor).  We were going out though, and I talked to her about it, and she decided not to go.  Which made me both excessively happy, and very sad.  I like getting my way, but I really don’t like taking things away from her that I think she should have.

To me, this is the same situation – except I haven’t bothered bringing it up, and really don’t plan to.  If she wants to go, I think she should go.  At this point, I only hope this also means that yes, she’s still visiting me and that yes, i have nothing to worry about.  If either of these isn’t true, then I’m going to have serious issues with her visiting him alone, not to mention that could possibly make him a love rival?

It shouldn’t.  Primarily because the last time I talked to her she said she and he weren’t really talking, not to mention that he now had a girlfriend.  But, they seem to be talking a lot more recently – and heck, she’s considering/planning to go see him.  The question is: What does this mean for me?

It’s not like we have any official sort of relationship right now.  We’re not going out, although we’re really close – she wants to stay single for now.  You know, one of those ever popular “breaks” girls need to sort through their feelings and figure out what it is that they want.  For most people in this generation its an “eh, whatever” stage where they feel free and they can/will do what (and in many cases whom) ever they want.  I don’t think Kyri like this, and I know I’m definitely not like this.  I remain very loyal to her even through times like this.

Meh, Now I’m just ranting – but I really do hope it all works out somehow.  I’d really like to see her this summer so I could hang out with her, and maybe even take her out on a couple dates, if she’d be okay with that – that is.

If you actually visit my blog (instead of reading it through an RSS Reader, Soup.io, Tumblr, or Facebook) then starting today you may very well notice a URL change.  My personal blog is no longer located at blog.gtaero.net, instead, I’ve moved everything over to blog.navarr.me.  You can now (if you want, for some reason) access the following sites:

navarr.me

A photo of myself until I can figure out what I should do with it.

blog.navarr.me

My personal blog.

soup.navarr.me

My soup.io account (a cumulative lifestream)

tumblr.navarr.me

My tumblr account (another cumulative lifestream)

comic.navarr.me

My webcomics. They’re not INCREDIBLY funny, but you might find some humour in them.

navarr.me/grad/

My High School Graduation page.

The next issue brought up by this change would then be: Am I going to kill GTAero?  The answer is No.

Instead, I’m going to use GTAero.net for the more technical side of me.  It’ll be my coding sandbox, will house my Tech Blog, and most importantly – it’s still my VERY widely used email address.  GTAero is very close to me, I created the idea of Project: Grand Theft Aero in 6th grade, so it won’t be going away anytime soon.  In fact, all of the subdomains in the list above were subdomains of GTAero.net, which now 301 Redirect to their navarr.me equivalents.

Just thought I’d take the time to point out what might not be a very big or obvious change.