The Story of my Life

If you actually visit my blog (instead of reading it through an RSS Reader, Soup.io, Tumblr, or Facebook) then starting today you may very well notice a URL change.  My personal blog is no longer located at blog.gtaero.net, instead, I’ve moved everything over to blog.navarr.me.  You can now (if you want, for some reason) access the following sites:

navarr.me

A photo of myself until I can figure out what I should do with it.

blog.navarr.me

My personal blog.

soup.navarr.me

My soup.io account (a cumulative lifestream)

tumblr.navarr.me

My tumblr account (another cumulative lifestream)

comic.navarr.me

My webcomics. They’re not INCREDIBLY funny, but you might find some humour in them.

navarr.me/grad/

My High School Graduation page.

The next issue brought up by this change would then be: Am I going to kill GTAero?  The answer is No.

Instead, I’m going to use GTAero.net for the more technical side of me.  It’ll be my coding sandbox, will house my Tech Blog, and most importantly – it’s still my VERY widely used email address.  GTAero is very close to me, I created the idea of Project: Grand Theft Aero in 6th grade, so it won’t be going away anytime soon.  In fact, all of the subdomains in the list above were subdomains of GTAero.net, which now 301 Redirect to their navarr.me equivalents.

Just thought I’d take the time to point out what might not be a very big or obvious change.

So, I bring you her words from December 1, 2008.

Navarr… *giggles* i can’t even explain how girly and in love I feel. Is it possible to feel like you can soar above the stars and moon, but you don’t want to, because to do so would be leaving his arms? I was so foolish the other night, to honestly think I could leave him. And I’m so wonderfully happy that I didn’t. We talked last night. for a long while, and even though it kept me awake, it felt so nice to just be with him again. Sometimes I wish i could just drive down there, or have him come up here, but we can’t have everything we wish for sadly. Hopefully one day in the near future…

You know… of course you know, everybody knows: I Love Her.  I can’t go a day, or even an hour without thinking about her, without thinking about holding her, or running my fingers through her hair, cuddling her, sleeping with her in my arms, etc, etc.  It’s amazing – It’s love, and the wheels are slowly turning and bringing us back together again.

These last three weeks have been very busy, full of pain, love, surprises, just full of everything – and I can’t be happier that things are finally calming down.

I love her so much – I hope no shit like this happens again, because it’s really rough on both of us.

And with that, Cheers to the new year.

There is nothing more special than when the spark you thought you’d lost returns to your relationship, and your love again flourishes as it only could when experiencing passionate love.

There is also nothing scarier than worrying about whether or not it’ll return for her, worrying about loosing the love of your life because that feeling of mutual love and trust and passionate, the very essence of romance vanishes.

But thankfully, it doesn’t look like I’ll have to worry about that anymore.  Not for a while, at least.

I don’t know how or if this affects her wanting to be single for this semester or not (probably not, she still needs to figure things out, I believe) but it does mean that things are slowly returning to normal.  Something that is definitely much needed between us, after this whole mess.

As Yuki said, if we could get through this, we can get through everything.

Maybe I can still make her my bride, one day? :p

Sometimes, I’d quite think she hasn’t managed to realize how much a man dislikes loosing his relationship with his beloved as something similar to a New Years Resolution.

Either that, or she simply doesn’t care that I dislike the fact, either way – its going to be quite a tough year for a boy in love.

What can one possibly write down about love?  It is the strangest emotion on the planet, one that nobody feels the same way about.  Who is it that decides what makes a couple?  Why two people should be together?  Who is it that triggers such intense and passionate feelings between two people, even if they share nothing in common?  What makes Love?

I always try to think of a way to explain it, but it never works.  Unfortunately, this may be my very undoing.  The one thing that could possibly ruin our relationship – not being able to explain why we should be together.  The hobbies, likes, and dislikes we share are few and far between.  Our religions are even different, yet we still love each other.  We still feel compelled to be with each other.  Something pushes us together.  Is it fate?  Is it destiny?  Is it just our imaginations?  I can’t even describe.. all I can think is that I love her, and I want to be with her forever.  Of this, I no longer doubt.  I am sure of it, for some reason I can’t possibly begin to describe.

However, that’s selfish of me, isn’t it?  I tend to try to push things on her that I shouldn’t.. make her do (or not) do things that are separate from the norm… Why?  Why must I force my own opinions and beliefs on her?  I don’t know.. and even though I do sometimes, whether she listens/agrees or not… she still feels compelled to be by my side in some way.  Of that, I’m more than grateful for.  I’ve done so much to hurt her in the past, yet still she trusts me to protect her, to love her, to hold her close.

I have a few doubts about our relationship from time to time.  What if she doesn’t like me anymore, or she discovers a small tick of mine she doesn’t like?  My guess is that its just the remnants of my bipolarity that she’s all but cured.  When I was thinking of what to tell her when I thought that she was different, or why I thought she was different.  It never occurred to me.  With the way our relationship is now, she is the only woman I’ve ever been with that – while we’re together – I’ve never felt the urge to cry with no reason to explain why I’m crying.  I still get overly upset over smaller things, but I no longer cry for no reason.  I only cry when something hurts me.  And its amazing.  She’s the only person who’s ever been able to do this to me.  That’s why she feels like my missing puzzle piece, that’s why I feel like I need her – apart from how much I love and care about her – she actually tends to complete who I am.

Unfortunately for my romantic ways, she’s more of a logician.  Where I feel people should be together because they love each other, because they grow together and their emotions affect one another, she feels that people should be together for their similarities – something we have very little (if any) of, as I wrote earlier.  Because we started out as a long distance relationship, we don’t have memories that we share (apart from each other) of times in the past.  Last night, I told her my very dull and dry past, because she said that we don’t know about each other’s past.. and there wasn’t much if anything to tell her.  I’ve lived a very average, very dull life.  The only way to change this is to make memories with each other in the future – but that doesn’t change the fact that there is no real reason for her to stay by me from a logical standpoint.

So what can I possibly do?  Yuki tells me that I need to show her and make her understand that Love doesn’t need to be logical.  That logic isn’t needed in a relationship.  To follow your heart and accept what you feel, to be happy with the person you love.  We do make each other happy in ways, but we also bring out the other extremes in each other – is that what Love is?  What is Love?  I can’t even possibly begin to comprehend it.

Then, there’s always the fact that we’re so young.  We’re both in, what under normal circumstances would be, our first year of College.  There’s so much left in the world, why should we attach ourselves to each other so quickly?  That’s not something she points out a lot, but it is something other’s point out a lot, and to be honest I don’t know a good answer.  All I know is mine – which is that if we wait, if we split our separate ways and “wait and see” if we end up back together, if we still love each other after so much time – it’s very possible, and almost a hundred percent likely that we’re just going to hurt each other more than we already have with our pasts.

Unfortunately for both of us, I’m very straightedge and can’t comprehend or even deal with most of what the current society deems acceptable behavior.  Smoking (not even marijuana, but cigarettes!), Sex, even so much as kissing other people doesn’t sit well with me, and it becomes very hard, very quickly for me to find a way to let her past and her current situations stand without changing who I am – but I do it for some reason, some how.  Is it right?  I don’t know.. but it feels right.

All I can say is I love her, even with her past – and I would in the future too – but it would hurt, very very much to have to go through any of this all over again.

So, what could I possibly say to show her that our love is true – that we don’t need a reason to be together other than the fact that we deeply love each other?

Which is a shame, considering today I wanted to continue pushing forward with our renewed friendship and emotions, and continue attempting to move back to part of what we used to be.. I’ll just continue moving slowly as is for now, considering today’s love horoscope.

When it comes to love in this period, Aries, it is going to feel like a roller coaster. Whether you are single or attached, up and down emotions with energies running high make for uncomfortable moments today, so avoid hasty choices or deep discussions. If tempers flare, just don’t go there, spare yourself and your romantic partner or interest the hassle. Commitments made now will tend to partake of this atmosphere, so have the patience to wait a little before moving ahead. Progress towards your romantic goals is likely in this period, but you will need some patience through it.

Aries

Something about the spirit of the holiday season may be causing someone to either come clean or slip a little bit, Aries, because hidden motivations or other secrets can be revealed today. You will need to accept the idea that things aren’t always as they appear to be, and pay attention to actions rather than words. This could mean a lot for your reputation, and at the very least, give you some leverage against someone who’s been lording it over you. Once again, be careful, and take the time to investigate the situation; don’t jump to conclusions or make false judgments.

Love Horoscope

Merry Christmas, Aries! With today will come a wealth of warmth and blessings for you, as whether you are single or attached, you appear perhaps more charming and refined than usual, and this will bless your romantic affairs. Regardless of your day’s events, you can expect some interesting opportunities with love to crop up in this period. Now could be the time to make that date or just step into the front of the line and make yourself known. Also, this can be a time when you are forced to confront and deal with an unhealthy relationship, but the sooner you nip this in the bud, the better off you will be. With the new year ahead, you want to make room for as much positive energy as possible.

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.