The Story of my Life

So we broke up declared the events of that day never happened.

We’re quite happy now.

Also, I’m thinking of moving to Toledo.  Maybe within a year, if possible?

What do you think?

Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..

But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..

It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.

All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.

I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again.  She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together.  I told her because we love each other.  That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they?  They’re just my imagination running amok again.  I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason.  They’re not true.

I Love Her, and I always will.  I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope…  How come every time we go out, she gets like this?  I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?

I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text.  I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.

We always do, don’t we?

This is how my girlfriend and I spent the last bit of the evening.  I’ve taken her name out of it to respect her privacy.  A lot of people she knows could find this and I don’t know if she’d get into trouble or not so I figured i should just change it.

My Love: -smiles, kissing you gently- i want this. All of it. So badly

Me: *smiles softly as he kisses you again, blushing* don’t worry.. I’ll give it to you.. *blushes deeper*

My Love: -smiles, moving her ring to her left hand again, this becoming a nightly tradition

Me: *laughs softly as he kisses you gently* you don’t leave it there?

My Love: You’re not supposed to wearing it on your left. Unless you’re married. I put it there at night.

Me: *shakes his head softly as he kisses you again* on your left and facing inward is married.. on your left and outward is engaged. *smiles*

My Love: I’ve never heard that before. Outward implies your heart is free for the taking.

Me: *nods softly* but only on your right hand.. it conveys four statuses.. available, taken, engaged, or married… *smiles* i read up on it…

My Love: Well I’m going off traditional teaching from the cottage.

Me: *laughs softly and nods, kissing you again* do you wear it on your right inwards for me? *purrs softly*

My Love: During the day. At night i wear it on my left hand in

Me: *kisses you soft and lovingly, smiling as he holds you close, touching his right hand to your heart* so then, this is mine? *purrs softly*

My Love: -smiles and nods her head- always and forever

Me: *purrs softly, relaxing and nuzzling you* we’ll have the most wonderful wedding…

My Love: -blushes and smiles, looking into your eyes- why is that

Me: *purrs softly, smiling as he nuzzles into your neck* because it will be our wedding…

My Love: *laughs and smiles, holding close* i feel a few words before a judge would be just as great

Me: *smiles softly and nods* as do I.. *purrs and kisses over your neck* but we need one for our gigantic family, don’t we?

My Love: -smiles- perhaps… Though that’s more religious and such…

Me: *nods softly, kissing you again as he giggles* that’ll be a fun mess.

My Love: -smiles, gently holding her hands to her belly- if you don’t have your way and get me pregnant first

Me: *laughs softly as he blushes* that’ll be an even more fun mess.. *chuckles* and what do you mean have my way? *smiles*

My Love: -kisses you tenderly- if we were able and ready, with a house, stable jobs. Would you purposely try to get me pregnant

Me: *smiles, kissing you back ten dearly* try? no.. but it’d probably happen anyway, wouldn’t it? *smiles playfully*

(note about the grammatical and spelling errors – this conversation took place over SMS).

It’s been a month since our relationship “officially” started – and I don’t think it could have gone any better.

We’re together, we’re happy, we’re in love – and we plan to stay that way for a long, long time.

Here’s to another month of this absolute bliss.

かんぱい!

My Lady, let me see you in my dream today, too
My Honey, let me say it over and over again, I’m Lovin’
Then I’ll accept everything and build a rainbow bridge to where you are
It’d be nice if we can meet again tonight

If you’re with me, everyday is fun, and also, even I turn into a mess
Work, play, and studying, I might as well Enjoy them more than usual
(You’re in love) Really? I see, so this is what’s love like? Really!!
I honestly love everything about you, you’re better than the idols and models there
Your height that’s not tall or short, and your eyes, hands, the scent of your hair
And more than anything, I want to be with you; I don’t need anything else in my entire life
The sound is Mellow, I’ve got a soft spot for you, and your piercing gaze is just slightly erotic
I’m fond of you and you seem to steal my heart away, so I can’t leave you, I won’t leave you, Hold On!

My Lady, let me see you in my dreams today, too
My Honey, let me say it to you over and over again, I’m Lovin’
Then I’ll accept everything and build a rainbow bridge to where you are
It’d be nice if we can meet again tonight

I love you a lot; really, you’re my type, inside and out
This feeling steadily accelerates, stimulating my instincts in love-love mode
You give me puppy eyes with an alluring charm just like a female spy
I won’t get fooled even if you take advantage of me; no, should I let you fool me? But-
Because you’re the apple of my eye, I don’t give a care about such things
Because you exist, I exist; just by having you exist, I’m saved
If you hold me dear on a night when the moon rises, then my luck will keep going up
So let’s dream our own dream, Oh Baby, with you in my hands like a gem

My Lady, let me see you in my dreams today, too
My Honey, let me say it to you over and over again, I’m Lovin’
Then I’ll accept everything and build a rainbow bridge to where you are
It’d be nice if we can meet again tonight

A good girl for a good guy; a good guy for a good girl; a good girl for a good guy; a good guy for a good girl
It looks equal yet it’s not; I want to love you more
Even though we’ve only just met yesterday, I already (You wanna see me?) want to see you; that’s that
This final love wagon is already in motion, it’s my contemporary Man’yoshu
I can say that my one and only lady in the universe is the best; this is one of my “talents”!!

While counting the stars, I visualize you
I hope the two of us can meet again in dreams
For tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, one year later, and far, far beyond
Let’s hold hands tightly

My Lady, let me see you in my dreams today, too
My Baby, I want you to say it to me over and over again, I’m Lovin’
Then I’ll accept everything and build a rainbow bridge to where you are
It’d be nice if we can meet again tonight

You applied poison to your lips and came into my room, right?
With your kiss, my body and mind seem to melt away already
The me who I really hate, at age 19
The me who I really hate, at age 19
Even though your heart is so beautiful that it nauseates me
Why do you kiss me, when I can’t even do a thing?
The days that I really hate, at age 19
The face that I really hate, at age 19
Like a black swallowtail butterfly, I want to fly with proud wings
Please don’t say, "It’s pointless," such a life is fine, is fine…
If it’s impossible to only remove my soiled soul
Then where do I walk to will I be able to call it my future?
A suspended dream, at age 19
A suspended lie, at age 19
I want to be a black swallowtail butterfly and be loved by everyone
Even if I’m not almost there, just a tiny moment is fine, is fine…
The me who I really hate, at age 19
The me who I really hate, at age 19
Like a black swallowtail butterfly, I want to fly with proud wings
Please don’t say, "It’s pointless," such a life is fine
I want to be a black swallowtail butterfly and be loved by everyone
Even if I’m not almost there, just a tiny moment is fine, is fine…

It’s amazing the complex emotions a tiny green icon can make you feel.    Or how it can quickly force you to realize something else.

Just seeing that tiny green icon can spawn instantaneous happiness.. leading to anxiety, jealousy, and even depression.  Or maybe I’m just crazy?  I come across that conclusion a lot.

I’ve never really noticed it before, but it feels so lonely to think someone is there, and either they’re not – or you can’t talk to them… really lonely.

I miss her, bunches.