The Story of my Life

In response to my blog post yesterday, it seems to just be my imagination.  After about an hour after we got off the phone, she texted me, unable to sleep and she seemed a lot calmer.  It’d been a very long couple of days with Thanksgiving and all (she has a large family).  She asked If I’d like to talk over the phone and I immediately called her (which, in my opinion worked a lot better than my asking “shall i call you?” to make sure she’s ready – There are very few times when she’s not, so I think I’ll just take this approach from here on out).  We talked about food (again) and families and nothing in particular, and then she started to fall asleep on me (She’ll never understand how much I love this… probably because she’s used to me being upset about it – you know, when I used to be upset with something she’d do and call her and she’d start falling asleep on me while i was crying or upset.. Yeah.. but that was a long time ago).

So yeah, it had everything to do with Thanksgiving.

We talked some this morning (over text) because I had a dream about her, and then we continued to talk about our families and stuff like what our future wedding would be like (big).

So, in the end, its really just my own imagination.

(Posted on Monday the 25th of May, written on the 13th)

Last night was weird and fascinating at the same time.  For the first time ever, I managed to enact mental control over my dream (to some extent.)  I don’t remember all of it clearly, as the relativity of time, and the change of such could not possibly allow me to remember every detail of that day that took place in only a mere three of four hours.

When I first realized I was dreaming, my first experiment, like most others, was flight.  Although, why humans lust the ability to soar through the sky has always eluded me.  But there I was, floating above the ground as I tired to reach a balcony.  As I recall, my mind did not appreciate me trying to take control over my subconscious, and actually worked towards fighting back.  The details, even within the dream itself became blurry as it tried to force me to believe that I was “waking up.”  I emphasize this because I only recall actually waking up twice during the night, when in the course of events I “wake up” five, six, or maybe even seven times.  All before four in the morning, and after twelve twenty at night.  Of course, what continues to allude me is how much or how little control I had over the situation.  Was I controlling my dreams, or simply dreaming about controlling them?

I do, however, acknowledge that it was not entirely controlled, as I was not able to reach said balcony, and I, at one point, kissed my ex-girlfriend, Christine Beare.  I have been thinking about this odd event, and have arrived at the conclusion that I must not be as over here as I continue to believe I am.  I think it may have something to do with her being the final brick pulled from the foundation before it finally collapsed around me.  Of course, that doesn’t even include Kyri, who is now saying she was in a committed relationship with me, and did such things because she was scared of commitment, of all things!  Not to my face though, of course.

Meh, I’ll write more later, when I can better concentrate my thoughts.

Very rarely do I actually spend time to think about life, love, and actually dig down into the deep and brooding emotions it contains.. but when I do, I always come up with something I want to say to her, something I want to push towards her, to try to make her realize what I’ve been going on about all along, but these things are always something I’m too cowardly to tell her.  I’m scared that if I truly try to push it, if I try to show her these beliefs, to slap her in the face with these words, that she’ll do the part of them that I don’t want her to; that she’ll take the easy way out, so that she doesn’t have to deal with me, or her feelings, or love at all… I’m always scared that she’ll decide Love isn’t worth it; that she’ll go with logic, and do things for logic’s sake, instead of following her heart… I wish, for once, things would go the way they’re supposed to…

To the person I love most of all:

Knock this shit off.

I love you, with every bit of my heart and soul; to such an extent that I would kindly give up what little life I have for you, and you know this.

You abuse it.

You’ve once told me yourself, that maybe it’s because I’m always there, that you know I won’t leave… that’s no reason to abuse it – doing so is plain selfish.

I know you.  You’re not selfish.

So what then, is your problem?

You LOVE me.  You know it.  You’ve exclaimed it.  You’ve, figuratively, placed my hands over your heart and said to me “It’s yours.”

Why then, are you with him?

I can’t change your mind, I can’t make your decisions for you.

But this is wrong.

You’re toying with my emotions and for what?  To be with a guy you don’t love?  A guy that, it almost feels like you’re TRYING to fall in love with, because you’ve had a crush on him, because he’s been a wonderful friend.  You care about him, and you love him in that caring way.  But you do not LOVE him.  Do you?

If I was to die tomorrow, would you regret putting me in the position I’m in?

Would you regret not taking the risk to follow your heart, to be in the relationship that you’ve constantly showed me you yearn for, but are always too scared to be with?  Too detached from the world of spirituality and love to be in?

Would you regret being in a relationship with no True Love?

Why is this?

Why will you change your mind a thousand times against me, when your heart continues to point in the same direction?

We both know it’s true.  Have you not tried to distance yourself from me, just so that you won’t have the desire to curl up into my arms? To kiss me? To make love with me?  These desires, they are not of the mind.  They are not pure lust, or longing – though they do invoke such feelings as well – they originate from your heart, and we both know it.

Come on, it can’t be lust, I’m surely no good looker.

We’ve both done horrible things to hurt each other, to push each other away, but we always find some way to get over it, to forgive each other, to be the best and closest of friends.

If we stay on the phone long enough, even in a heated discussion.  We go back to meowing and “I love you”s.  Even if we were fighting over how much we absolutely hated each other and what we do to each other.

Is this not the essence of our love?

Why is it that you do not even consider me until I’ve practically lost my sanity and calmed down again?

Shall I list some things I would do for you?

• I would purchase a cell phone and buy unlimited texting
• I would apply to university, an institution of education (something I hate)
• I would literally pack up and move across the country
• I would make people hate me, I would hurt my closest of friends
• I would sit down for four hours, taking a god-awful test when I’ve been sick to my stomach for a week
• I would spend six months faking Catholicism
• I would save up any spare money I could for years, to buy the most beautiful ring possible

You know which one’s I’ve done, you know which one I plan to do, and you know two that are strong possibilities.

Why such an odd list?  Because they’re the things out of the ordinary.  The things that people wouldn’t even normally think of doing for a single person.

Would you like the normal list?

• I would hold you
• I would kiss you
• I would miss you
• I would do whatever was in my power to make you happy
• I would pluck the moon from the sky, destroying oceans and killing thousands of innocent lives
• I would go to the ends of the earth, and return with the rarest gem I could find attached to a ring.

Why am I still not worth it?

What would he do that I would not?

What is the one advantage he has?

• Being there right now.

Would he still accept you if he knew the things I do?

Why won’t you stop acting like this?

Are you still afraid of me?  Do you still not entirely trust me?

I know I’m still afraid, I know that I still have a ways to go before I can trust you the way we once trusted each other.

I know that I can do it.

I know that I can trust you again.

I know that I can grow.  That you can grow.  That We can grow.

Why is it that we are not a We?

Why is it, that you delay our love?

Would you truly be able to move on, in an instant, if you lost me?  What if you lost me forever?

When is it that you will stand up for your heart, and follow where it leads you?

When is it, that the Kyri I once knew, the Kyri that once followed her dreams, will wake up again?

With the way things are lately, I’ve been thinking about both love and Kyri a lot… and I have a lot to say about both of them.  I’ll start first with the more-specific “Navarr is still in love with Kyri?” thing first.

I’m going to make a statement… and I know Kyri reads my blog, and it’s okay if she reads this.. I need to get my feelings out; and I’m partially sorry that they’re this way, but only because they’re selfish.  It’s often been said that love is encrusted with jealousy… Who wants to lose the person they love…?

To be honest… I don’t want Kyri and Chris to be together… Most of this is jealousy and selfishness, but I think a bit of it might not be… it may have been created from those feelings, and it may not have been.  I don’t personally know, all I know is I feel this way.

I don’t feel like they belong together.  I probably never well…  Part of me thinks that something bad will come of them being together; but mostly… I guess I just want Kyri back to myself… I love her… I want her… I need her… you know?  Life just isn’t the same without being able to snuggle up into her arms at night and just kiss her, just show her how much I love her…

and I do miss her.. I miss her a lot… and I do love her… I love her a lot… I want her back, badly.

The other night, I was apologizing for the atrocities I’ve made in our relationship (most of my friends know about what she’s done… not all of them know what I’ve done), and I just wanted so badly to be rid of these feelings… that if I can make up for all that I’ve done wrong… I can be able to cuddle her.. and show her my feelings.. and eventually restore the trust that she has had in me, that I’ve skewed and lowered…  The trust in our relationship is a double-sided sword.  I trust her… but not in the way she’d expect me to… and I know that if we got back together, we would have to work our way through it… but I know that we’d be able to, and that it’d definitely be worth it.

She made a joke that night… it was an old joke that we share… but as much as I saw it as a joke, I secretly wished that she would… and I knew it’d be out of love…

I know she loves me… her actions towards me show it… and she even says it now (and oh my lord it makes me the happiest man in the world to hear those three words roll off her tongue).

I’m fairly sure she won’t be leaving Chris… especially anytime soon… though I wish she would… He’s not right for her.. and as much as we fight, and argue… we always make up for it.. we always apologize and cuddle, and we’re never to the point of being violent to each other.  I would never, ever hit her.  And I’ve only felt the desire to once… Yet even so, I would never lay a finger on her that would not be a gentle touch or caress, for she is the woman I love; n’est-ce pas?

*laughs* Since she’s going to be an English teacher, you think she’ll return to me if I write a decent persuasive essay on why she should?

So today, an interesting though occurred to me… It dealt with Lovers and Fighting… Everyone says things like “you fight like an old married couple” or “you fight like lover’s”.

The only sort of explanation for this occurrence is that it’s “how they show their love for each other.”  I’m sure other people know the philosophical details of such an approach, but I wanted to cover over the thoughts that occurred to me today on it.

Why do school friends rarely fight?  They have nothing to fight over.  They’re opinion don’t affect each other’s life’s that greatly, and when they do they’re fighting because their life was affected in a way that they did not want or did not like.  This is the difference between friends and lovers.

When you are in love with someone… all of their opinions matter to you… Would you be more appalled if one of your everyday friends tells you “you look ugly today” or if the person that you know you love with every cubic millimeter of your heart tells you “you look ugly today”?  Obviously, your lover.

Because of this emotional attachment to the feelings, the judgments, and the thoughts of the other’s lover – fights occur.  Any small differences in opinion or different thoughts about what direction the relationship should be heading in, or how much time should be spent together can result in a fight… especially if not settled first peacefully.

Sometimes though, when something can be settled peacefully.. it is instead thought insignificant to the beholder of the opinion, and it can build and build and build until it’s just too much to handle, and something so small that could’ve easily been discussed results in a fight.

It’s important for me to note that this is really all I can think about… they were ideas that just popped into my mind and I felt like I needed to write down, so I’ve done it.  They’re down.  Enjoy.

So, I was asleep, and this is where it gets interesting:

I wake up to find my room completely different with lots of shelves and some cabinets and my step father is putting a glass on one, asking if I wanted it there, I just nodded yes.  My brother called afterwards and said that he wanted a favor, I told him that if it had anything to do with needing money, then no.  He said that was a problem, and that he had to tell the person to whom the book belonged – I questioned him what book, but lost the part after that.

I’m then talking to my parents about my brother as my mother hands me some futuristic-looking yet (to us) yet older-looking (in the dream) phone that swivels around, kind of like the patents that I saw on my feed reader today.  It was cool and I wanted to keep it to toy with, even though it was too big to be a phone, and my mother said it was my brother’s.

Somewhere around here I walk up to my friends house (in the dream, it seemed to be based off of where I used to live with my grandparents in North Carolina) and just a lot of weird shit with this cow happened, and the things were like taking life or something, and I got creped out and kind of scared so I ran before realizing I was asleep…

Its somewhere around here that I woke up.. in my dream.  Only to realize that I was going to be late to some sort of Japanese class.  I ride my bike up the hill and into the bike shop, as always (as it felt, in reality, I have no clue where this is coming from) and they asked me if I needed something, and I talk along the lines of, “No, I just need to do something” and they ask “something you couldn’t do out front?” and I say “well, I wanted to ask you guys some questions…”  At which point I realized how badly bent my bicycle steering was (did I mention that I knew it was bent as I rode up the hill?) and I went to fix it, before the front slacked down, I investigated, and there was no wheel, nothing but these slack tires that look like they came from one of my brother’s in-real-life bicycles, and I go “shit, you have to be kidding me” as everything goes blurry.. and then I start thinking “crap, I’m in a dream again.” and I ask the people about it and they’re like “No.. but you need to get off that weed” and I’m like “no no no no no I don’t do that.. I’m just tired..” and they’re like “oh, I bet you do that needle stuff then” or something like that and I just keep going “no no no no no no no!  There’s nothing worse than needles!” until I wake up.. to find myself in my bedroom.. thank you god.. but then..

some weird ghost shadow is on the wall, crawling up onto my bed and towards me.. I cant see where a person would be, just this shadow on the wall, and he’s saying something about my son (? I don’t have one…) before I forcibly grab control of my body (in dream) to sit up, and I shake myself until I wake up for real.

This shit doesn’t read scary, but it’s truly horrifying when you experience it.  As I was gaining consciousness in my dream, I thought such things as “its another dream.. I’m not going to be able to escape.. I’m going to wake up.. and it’ll be another dream… I’m not going to wake up again.. I’m going into a coma aren’t I…”.  To be honest with you, I’m still not 100% sure this isn’t a dream too.. it doesn’t feel like a dream, nothing is blurry, everything seems real… I just hope its not.. I’m going to try to go back to sleep again soon.. please, If I die, make sure my parents and Kyriaelison read this..

I don’t think it is though.. I don’t seem to have blogging and IM and Facebook and Twitter in my dream.. so I can hope that this is real.