Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..
But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..
It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.
All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.
I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again. She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together. I told her because we love each other. That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they? They’re just my imagination running amok again. I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason. They’re not true.
I Love Her, and I always will. I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope… How come every time we go out, she gets like this? I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?
I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text. I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.
We always do, don’t we?