The Story of my Life

Well, once all of that was over, we had a lovely night talking together on the phone.  I doubt I’ll hear much from her during spring break,but I hope she enjoys herself ♥

I’m not sure why, but hearing her say that (“Now You’re annoying me”) when my texts go unanswered for two hours (late at night, while expecting her call) really hurt.  Over the course of two hours, I sent her only 4 texts, waiting for her return while she was out with friends.  One was a response to hers, two others were pretty much together, one after the other asking if she was coming home soon, and the fourth was asking her to text me when she wanted to talk, because it had gotten late enough that if she called I’d get in trouble for waking my parents.  I call her (no answer) and leave her a simple voicemail, asking if she was still out and to text me and she replied back only with “Now You’re annoying me.”  I asked her “What did I do?” and “Whats wrong, love?” but with no response to either, so now I’m sitting here in the dark, lonely and hurt and I don’t even know why.

Is she punishing me for hanging out with my friend yesterday?  I told her fairly early that I was going over to Zach’s and she said “okay.”  Only this morning did she let me know that she was upset, that she had wanted to talk to me since it was the first day of her break.  We discussed it and I told her that if something was upsetting her or if she didn’t want me to do something she needed to let me know.  She even said she “wasn’t that upset with me.”  (A white lie?  I can’t tell…)

I had taken a nap in the middle of the day, and had told her I was doing so with which she replied “don’t sleep too long. Tonights the last night till friday we can talk on the phone.”

Did I really do something wrong…?

Do you love her? yes…

Do you care about her? yes…

Do you trust her? mostly…

Its very hard to have complete and total trust in someone… My generally answer: Yes.  I trust her.  But there are circumstances in which my faith is lacking – all of which she generally knows (after all, I’m the possessive jealous type, I can’t keep that in check 24/7.. it has to come out sometime).  Most of the time its about Him.  God I HATE him with EVERY FIBER in my being.  (Interestingly, the exact same fibers with which I love her, hmm – coincidence?  I THINK NOT).  He confuses her, he befriends her, he angers her (so do I…) and I hate him for it.. because whenever we get in an argument he’s THERE.  And I know he wants Her.  I don’t know if he wants her forever, or if he wants to use her or anything like that.. all I know is he wants her.. He wants to take her away from me and that makes me very upset and very nervous whenever she’s around him.

I mean, in the same post I wrote about how much I was nervous about him being around her, I also wrote that I was looking forward to this summer, I was looking forward to being with her, I was looking forward to meeting him and, excuse the momentary lapse of controlling my emotions, telling him to “stay the fuck away from my girl.”  (Would I have said that?  Absolutely not, I’m way too polite.  Though I would have wanted to, badly.  If he could manage to piss me off, then maybe, but otherwise, no…)

But now… neither of us know what’s going on… Our world’s have been thrown into chaos.  Some of it her fault, some of it my fault, but all of it HIS.  GOD I HATE HIM.

Don’t take this the wrong way: but is it seriously okay for her to keep talking to him, when she doesn’t want me to talk to Carla for the exact same reason?

So, first off for our nice little list is that Lent started.  Thats been nothing but a gigantic bunch of fun.  Well, at first anyway.  It started off with not being able to talk to her much if at all, since she had decided to give up Instant Messenging and SMS – but she quickly broke IM, and then SMS before deciding that she was giving those things up for the wrong reason.  Now the only thing she’s giving up for lent is Facebook, and I’m happy and snuggly with my baby again, lol.

Of course, things always like to have the worst possible timing don’t they?  Greg decided to call her the other night, and he did nothing but upset her.  She wants to hate him, but she can’t, but he does bother her to no end.  He’s going to be back in her town (his home town) all summer long, and that makes me nothing but nervous after what happened in December.  Kyri and I have talked a lot about it though, and there should be nothing for me to worry about.  On top of that, Kyri says that when I visit her this summer she’s going to introduce me to him, and that after that he’ll leave her alone for good as per some pre-arranged agreement between the two…

So then there’s smoking.  This isn’t such a big thing, mostly because nothing has happened.  We were talking today and she asked me how upset at her I’d be if she started smoking socially (as opposed to smoking to relieve stress like she was last year).  I’m not entirely sure why, but my entire body basically became rigid.  I hate smoking… It’s unattractive, its bad for you, and I just don’t like it, so I told her the truth – “More than you can fathom.”  I don’t understand why I’d hate it so much, but I would.  I’d be so very upset with her for some reason, despite how much I love her.  Meh, she said it was okay for me to not want her to smoke, and from the way our conversation went, I don’t think she’s going to.

Meh, what a pain this has become.  We started off lent happilly, actually.  Even though we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other as much as we had been – we were still going to talk as much as we could on the phone.  Then Greg happened and I’ve been in worry-mode ever since.  I just can’t relax when I have to think about the type of thin ice I’m on every time he’s around…  Kyri doesn’t think I should worry, so I probably don’t have anything to worry about anymore.  I know she loves me with all of her heart, and would never betray or cheat on me, so I should really just calm down and show her how much I love her, shouldn’t I? ♥

Dear Emotions: Do you know no bounds??  Do I really have to be jealous over this?  Seriously?  I really don’t want to, can’t you just give me a freakin’ break?

The only thing I hate worse than having emotions you don’t think you should be feeling over ridiculous things is having to bottle them up because you don’t want to face any number of possible consequences for having said feelings.

So, she wants to visit us both during the summer.  So, she loves both of us.  So, she’s no longer in love with me which puts us basically at equal footing – so far as I know.  Should I be jealous?  I really don’t think so.  Either way, I am, and I think said jealous needs to stop.

The last time she wanted to visit him the situation was far more dire (by which I mean severely not in my favor).  We were going out though, and I talked to her about it, and she decided not to go.  Which made me both excessively happy, and very sad.  I like getting my way, but I really don’t like taking things away from her that I think she should have.

To me, this is the same situation – except I haven’t bothered bringing it up, and really don’t plan to.  If she wants to go, I think she should go.  At this point, I only hope this also means that yes, she’s still visiting me and that yes, i have nothing to worry about.  If either of these isn’t true, then I’m going to have serious issues with her visiting him alone, not to mention that could possibly make him a love rival?

It shouldn’t.  Primarily because the last time I talked to her she said she and he weren’t really talking, not to mention that he now had a girlfriend.  But, they seem to be talking a lot more recently – and heck, she’s considering/planning to go see him.  The question is: What does this mean for me?

It’s not like we have any official sort of relationship right now.  We’re not going out, although we’re really close – she wants to stay single for now.  You know, one of those ever popular “breaks” girls need to sort through their feelings and figure out what it is that they want.  For most people in this generation its an “eh, whatever” stage where they feel free and they can/will do what (and in many cases whom) ever they want.  I don’t think Kyri like this, and I know I’m definitely not like this.  I remain very loyal to her even through times like this.

Meh, Now I’m just ranting – but I really do hope it all works out somehow.  I’d really like to see her this summer so I could hang out with her, and maybe even take her out on a couple dates, if she’d be okay with that – that is.

So, I bring you her words from December 1, 2008.

Navarr… *giggles* i can’t even explain how girly and in love I feel. Is it possible to feel like you can soar above the stars and moon, but you don’t want to, because to do so would be leaving his arms? I was so foolish the other night, to honestly think I could leave him. And I’m so wonderfully happy that I didn’t. We talked last night. for a long while, and even though it kept me awake, it felt so nice to just be with him again. Sometimes I wish i could just drive down there, or have him come up here, but we can’t have everything we wish for sadly. Hopefully one day in the near future…

There is nothing more special than when the spark you thought you’d lost returns to your relationship, and your love again flourishes as it only could when experiencing passionate love.

There is also nothing scarier than worrying about whether or not it’ll return for her, worrying about loosing the love of your life because that feeling of mutual love and trust and passionate, the very essence of romance vanishes.

But thankfully, it doesn’t look like I’ll have to worry about that anymore.  Not for a while, at least.

I don’t know how or if this affects her wanting to be single for this semester or not (probably not, she still needs to figure things out, I believe) but it does mean that things are slowly returning to normal.  Something that is definitely much needed between us, after this whole mess.

As Yuki said, if we could get through this, we can get through everything.

Maybe I can still make her my bride, one day? :p

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

So we broke up declared the events of that day never happened.

We’re quite happy now.

Also, I’m thinking of moving to Toledo.  Maybe within a year, if possible?

What do you think?