The Story of my Life

I’m not sure why, but hearing her say that (“Now You’re annoying me”) when my texts go unanswered for two hours (late at night, while expecting her call) really hurt.  Over the course of two hours, I sent her only 4 texts, waiting for her return while she was out with friends.  One was a response to hers, two others were pretty much together, one after the other asking if she was coming home soon, and the fourth was asking her to text me when she wanted to talk, because it had gotten late enough that if she called I’d get in trouble for waking my parents.  I call her (no answer) and leave her a simple voicemail, asking if she was still out and to text me and she replied back only with “Now You’re annoying me.”  I asked her “What did I do?” and “Whats wrong, love?” but with no response to either, so now I’m sitting here in the dark, lonely and hurt and I don’t even know why.

Is she punishing me for hanging out with my friend yesterday?  I told her fairly early that I was going over to Zach’s and she said “okay.”  Only this morning did she let me know that she was upset, that she had wanted to talk to me since it was the first day of her break.  We discussed it and I told her that if something was upsetting her or if she didn’t want me to do something she needed to let me know.  She even said she “wasn’t that upset with me.”  (A white lie?  I can’t tell…)

I had taken a nap in the middle of the day, and had told her I was doing so with which she replied “don’t sleep too long. Tonights the last night till friday we can talk on the phone.”

Did I really do something wrong…?

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

It’s amazing the complex emotions a tiny green icon can make you feel.    Or how it can quickly force you to realize something else.

Just seeing that tiny green icon can spawn instantaneous happiness.. leading to anxiety, jealousy, and even depression.  Or maybe I’m just crazy?  I come across that conclusion a lot.

I’ve never really noticed it before, but it feels so lonely to think someone is there, and either they’re not – or you can’t talk to them… really lonely.

I miss her, bunches.

So very, very confused.

You are the source of my disdain. Just the other day she was so madly in love with me; and you walk out of the shadows and steal her away only to leave her again! To have your brief moment out of the sun and do whatever it is you’ll do and steal her away from me, only for a moment and leave with me only scraps of whatever you take from her!

Why does she have to pick you over me when I’ve been committed for so long to make her happy? When you know about us? Why did Chris have to do the same? Why does it always have to be the same?

Two hours ago she told me she loved me, now she’ll say it no longer because for only a few days you’re going to step back into the picture, just to steal her away from me and make me start all over again to show her that she can trust me and that she doesn’t have to be afraid to let me back into her heart!

Months ago I knew that you two were going to prom together, and I knew that it would be okay because she was madly in love with me and she swore that nothing would happen; that it was only because of an old promise and within a few weeks from spring break until now she goes from complete and utter ecstatic excitement to see me to "no longer trying" and pushing me out of her heart to make way for someone who won’t even stay!

WHY?!

It’s not really, but I wanted to write about it, store it in memory, and share what’s going on between Kyri and I right now:

The happiest hardship of our entire relationship.

I guess, if you really wanted to, you could call it a social experiment.  It really ties into her religious views as a Christian.  I’m not going to delve too deeply into it, but I am going to scratch the surface.

For Lent, Kyri has given up Texting and the Internet (for all uses other than school).

Even though I don’t consider our relationship to be an “internet relationship,” this is still quite difficult on both of us.  Why is that?  The internet and SMS are our primary means of communication.

We’ve spoken via phone twice, and SMS twice since then.

It’s only been a week, and it feels like an eternity.

Granted, there are plenty of times where we don’t talk much if at all for a day or two, but when I can’t talk to her for a day, or two, or three and knowing that I don’t know when I’ll hear from her until halfway through April; Forever was an hour ago.

I’ve told her that if either of us ever live together and have to go on business trips or something, we’re not allowed to not talk to each other because if we do; I’ll end up smothering her when she gets back.