The Story of my Life

Do you love her? yes…

Do you care about her? yes…

Do you trust her? mostly…

Its very hard to have complete and total trust in someone… My generally answer: Yes.  I trust her.  But there are circumstances in which my faith is lacking – all of which she generally knows (after all, I’m the possessive jealous type, I can’t keep that in check 24/7.. it has to come out sometime).  Most of the time its about Him.  God I HATE him with EVERY FIBER in my being.  (Interestingly, the exact same fibers with which I love her, hmm – coincidence?  I THINK NOT).  He confuses her, he befriends her, he angers her (so do I…) and I hate him for it.. because whenever we get in an argument he’s THERE.  And I know he wants Her.  I don’t know if he wants her forever, or if he wants to use her or anything like that.. all I know is he wants her.. He wants to take her away from me and that makes me very upset and very nervous whenever she’s around him.

I mean, in the same post I wrote about how much I was nervous about him being around her, I also wrote that I was looking forward to this summer, I was looking forward to being with her, I was looking forward to meeting him and, excuse the momentary lapse of controlling my emotions, telling him to “stay the fuck away from my girl.”  (Would I have said that?  Absolutely not, I’m way too polite.  Though I would have wanted to, badly.  If he could manage to piss me off, then maybe, but otherwise, no…)

But now… neither of us know what’s going on… Our world’s have been thrown into chaos.  Some of it her fault, some of it my fault, but all of it HIS.  GOD I HATE HIM.

Don’t take this the wrong way: but is it seriously okay for her to keep talking to him, when she doesn’t want me to talk to Carla for the exact same reason?

So, first off for our nice little list is that Lent started.  Thats been nothing but a gigantic bunch of fun.  Well, at first anyway.  It started off with not being able to talk to her much if at all, since she had decided to give up Instant Messenging and SMS – but she quickly broke IM, and then SMS before deciding that she was giving those things up for the wrong reason.  Now the only thing she’s giving up for lent is Facebook, and I’m happy and snuggly with my baby again, lol.

Of course, things always like to have the worst possible timing don’t they?  Greg decided to call her the other night, and he did nothing but upset her.  She wants to hate him, but she can’t, but he does bother her to no end.  He’s going to be back in her town (his home town) all summer long, and that makes me nothing but nervous after what happened in December.  Kyri and I have talked a lot about it though, and there should be nothing for me to worry about.  On top of that, Kyri says that when I visit her this summer she’s going to introduce me to him, and that after that he’ll leave her alone for good as per some pre-arranged agreement between the two…

So then there’s smoking.  This isn’t such a big thing, mostly because nothing has happened.  We were talking today and she asked me how upset at her I’d be if she started smoking socially (as opposed to smoking to relieve stress like she was last year).  I’m not entirely sure why, but my entire body basically became rigid.  I hate smoking… It’s unattractive, its bad for you, and I just don’t like it, so I told her the truth – “More than you can fathom.”  I don’t understand why I’d hate it so much, but I would.  I’d be so very upset with her for some reason, despite how much I love her.  Meh, she said it was okay for me to not want her to smoke, and from the way our conversation went, I don’t think she’s going to.

Meh, what a pain this has become.  We started off lent happilly, actually.  Even though we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other as much as we had been – we were still going to talk as much as we could on the phone.  Then Greg happened and I’ve been in worry-mode ever since.  I just can’t relax when I have to think about the type of thin ice I’m on every time he’s around…  Kyri doesn’t think I should worry, so I probably don’t have anything to worry about anymore.  I know she loves me with all of her heart, and would never betray or cheat on me, so I should really just calm down and show her how much I love her, shouldn’t I? ♥

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..

But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..

It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.

All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.

I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again.  She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together.  I told her because we love each other.  That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they?  They’re just my imagination running amok again.  I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason.  They’re not true.

I Love Her, and I always will.  I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope…  How come every time we go out, she gets like this?  I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?

I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text.  I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.

We always do, don’t we?

So, I unfortunately had to set a new goal, even though I’m no longer going to BGSU, it now appears that I will need at least a bachelor’s degree (Visa Purposes when moving to Japan, when and if.)

I have a few other goals:

• Learn Kyudou.
• Learn Karate (maybe?)
• Learn Japanese, duh!
• Finish PoKéQuesT

Things are looking decent for Tuesday.  I’m hoping that the last seats available from Houston (IAH) to Miami (MIA) in way of Charlotte (CLT) are not booked (DON’T BOOK THEM) so that I can make it there safely without much trouble.  I’m hoping it won’t be too much trouble getting back to Houston (it shouldn’t be.)  I know already though, that it’s going to be such sweet sorrow parting.

As for happier news, I have been working on turled.com a LOT lately.  The new layout’s Open Beta is really coming together.  Unfortunately though, it will stay in Open Beta until I finish the code overhaul I’m working on for the Brand New turled.com, including a much needed caché system, OAuth for attachments like Flickr, BlipFM, and YouTube, and maybe a better stats system?  I guess we’ll just have to see.  Should I add TwitPic as well?

I wonder how things will work out?

(Posted on Monday the 25th of May, written on the 13th)

Last night was weird and fascinating at the same time.  For the first time ever, I managed to enact mental control over my dream (to some extent.)  I don’t remember all of it clearly, as the relativity of time, and the change of such could not possibly allow me to remember every detail of that day that took place in only a mere three of four hours.

When I first realized I was dreaming, my first experiment, like most others, was flight.  Although, why humans lust the ability to soar through the sky has always eluded me.  But there I was, floating above the ground as I tired to reach a balcony.  As I recall, my mind did not appreciate me trying to take control over my subconscious, and actually worked towards fighting back.  The details, even within the dream itself became blurry as it tried to force me to believe that I was “waking up.”  I emphasize this because I only recall actually waking up twice during the night, when in the course of events I “wake up” five, six, or maybe even seven times.  All before four in the morning, and after twelve twenty at night.  Of course, what continues to allude me is how much or how little control I had over the situation.  Was I controlling my dreams, or simply dreaming about controlling them?

I do, however, acknowledge that it was not entirely controlled, as I was not able to reach said balcony, and I, at one point, kissed my ex-girlfriend, Christine Beare.  I have been thinking about this odd event, and have arrived at the conclusion that I must not be as over here as I continue to believe I am.  I think it may have something to do with her being the final brick pulled from the foundation before it finally collapsed around me.  Of course, that doesn’t even include Kyri, who is now saying she was in a committed relationship with me, and did such things because she was scared of commitment, of all things!  Not to my face though, of course.

Meh, I’ll write more later, when I can better concentrate my thoughts.

You are the source of my disdain. Just the other day she was so madly in love with me; and you walk out of the shadows and steal her away only to leave her again! To have your brief moment out of the sun and do whatever it is you’ll do and steal her away from me, only for a moment and leave with me only scraps of whatever you take from her!

Why does she have to pick you over me when I’ve been committed for so long to make her happy? When you know about us? Why did Chris have to do the same? Why does it always have to be the same?

Two hours ago she told me she loved me, now she’ll say it no longer because for only a few days you’re going to step back into the picture, just to steal her away from me and make me start all over again to show her that she can trust me and that she doesn’t have to be afraid to let me back into her heart!

Months ago I knew that you two were going to prom together, and I knew that it would be okay because she was madly in love with me and she swore that nothing would happen; that it was only because of an old promise and within a few weeks from spring break until now she goes from complete and utter ecstatic excitement to see me to "no longer trying" and pushing me out of her heart to make way for someone who won’t even stay!

WHY?!

Very rarely do I actually spend time to think about life, love, and actually dig down into the deep and brooding emotions it contains.. but when I do, I always come up with something I want to say to her, something I want to push towards her, to try to make her realize what I’ve been going on about all along, but these things are always something I’m too cowardly to tell her.  I’m scared that if I truly try to push it, if I try to show her these beliefs, to slap her in the face with these words, that she’ll do the part of them that I don’t want her to; that she’ll take the easy way out, so that she doesn’t have to deal with me, or her feelings, or love at all… I’m always scared that she’ll decide Love isn’t worth it; that she’ll go with logic, and do things for logic’s sake, instead of following her heart… I wish, for once, things would go the way they’re supposed to…

To the person I love most of all:

Knock this shit off.

I love you, with every bit of my heart and soul; to such an extent that I would kindly give up what little life I have for you, and you know this.

You abuse it.

You’ve once told me yourself, that maybe it’s because I’m always there, that you know I won’t leave… that’s no reason to abuse it – doing so is plain selfish.

I know you.  You’re not selfish.

So what then, is your problem?

You LOVE me.  You know it.  You’ve exclaimed it.  You’ve, figuratively, placed my hands over your heart and said to me “It’s yours.”

Why then, are you with him?

I can’t change your mind, I can’t make your decisions for you.

But this is wrong.

You’re toying with my emotions and for what?  To be with a guy you don’t love?  A guy that, it almost feels like you’re TRYING to fall in love with, because you’ve had a crush on him, because he’s been a wonderful friend.  You care about him, and you love him in that caring way.  But you do not LOVE him.  Do you?

If I was to die tomorrow, would you regret putting me in the position I’m in?

Would you regret not taking the risk to follow your heart, to be in the relationship that you’ve constantly showed me you yearn for, but are always too scared to be with?  Too detached from the world of spirituality and love to be in?

Would you regret being in a relationship with no True Love?

Why is this?

Why will you change your mind a thousand times against me, when your heart continues to point in the same direction?

We both know it’s true.  Have you not tried to distance yourself from me, just so that you won’t have the desire to curl up into my arms? To kiss me? To make love with me?  These desires, they are not of the mind.  They are not pure lust, or longing – though they do invoke such feelings as well – they originate from your heart, and we both know it.

Come on, it can’t be lust, I’m surely no good looker.

We’ve both done horrible things to hurt each other, to push each other away, but we always find some way to get over it, to forgive each other, to be the best and closest of friends.

If we stay on the phone long enough, even in a heated discussion.  We go back to meowing and “I love you”s.  Even if we were fighting over how much we absolutely hated each other and what we do to each other.

Is this not the essence of our love?

Why is it that you do not even consider me until I’ve practically lost my sanity and calmed down again?

Shall I list some things I would do for you?

• I would purchase a cell phone and buy unlimited texting
• I would apply to university, an institution of education (something I hate)
• I would literally pack up and move across the country
• I would make people hate me, I would hurt my closest of friends
• I would sit down for four hours, taking a god-awful test when I’ve been sick to my stomach for a week
• I would spend six months faking Catholicism
• I would save up any spare money I could for years, to buy the most beautiful ring possible

You know which one’s I’ve done, you know which one I plan to do, and you know two that are strong possibilities.

Why such an odd list?  Because they’re the things out of the ordinary.  The things that people wouldn’t even normally think of doing for a single person.

Would you like the normal list?

• I would hold you
• I would kiss you
• I would miss you
• I would do whatever was in my power to make you happy
• I would pluck the moon from the sky, destroying oceans and killing thousands of innocent lives
• I would go to the ends of the earth, and return with the rarest gem I could find attached to a ring.

Why am I still not worth it?

What would he do that I would not?

What is the one advantage he has?

• Being there right now.

Would he still accept you if he knew the things I do?

Why won’t you stop acting like this?

Are you still afraid of me?  Do you still not entirely trust me?

I know I’m still afraid, I know that I still have a ways to go before I can trust you the way we once trusted each other.

I know that I can do it.

I know that I can trust you again.

I know that I can grow.  That you can grow.  That We can grow.

Why is it that we are not a We?

Why is it, that you delay our love?

Would you truly be able to move on, in an instant, if you lost me?  What if you lost me forever?

When is it that you will stand up for your heart, and follow where it leads you?

When is it, that the Kyri I once knew, the Kyri that once followed her dreams, will wake up again?

I want her to remember all that we’ve been through.

I want her to remember all of the good.

I want her to remember how much she loves me.

And I want her to remember that fateful day when she said:

“I love you more when I hate you than I could ever love him.”

What is it you’re waiting for?

With the way things are lately, I’ve been thinking about both love and Kyri a lot… and I have a lot to say about both of them.  I’ll start first with the more-specific “Navarr is still in love with Kyri?” thing first.

I’m going to make a statement… and I know Kyri reads my blog, and it’s okay if she reads this.. I need to get my feelings out; and I’m partially sorry that they’re this way, but only because they’re selfish.  It’s often been said that love is encrusted with jealousy… Who wants to lose the person they love…?

To be honest… I don’t want Kyri and Chris to be together… Most of this is jealousy and selfishness, but I think a bit of it might not be… it may have been created from those feelings, and it may not have been.  I don’t personally know, all I know is I feel this way.

I don’t feel like they belong together.  I probably never well…  Part of me thinks that something bad will come of them being together; but mostly… I guess I just want Kyri back to myself… I love her… I want her… I need her… you know?  Life just isn’t the same without being able to snuggle up into her arms at night and just kiss her, just show her how much I love her…

and I do miss her.. I miss her a lot… and I do love her… I love her a lot… I want her back, badly.

The other night, I was apologizing for the atrocities I’ve made in our relationship (most of my friends know about what she’s done… not all of them know what I’ve done), and I just wanted so badly to be rid of these feelings… that if I can make up for all that I’ve done wrong… I can be able to cuddle her.. and show her my feelings.. and eventually restore the trust that she has had in me, that I’ve skewed and lowered…  The trust in our relationship is a double-sided sword.  I trust her… but not in the way she’d expect me to… and I know that if we got back together, we would have to work our way through it… but I know that we’d be able to, and that it’d definitely be worth it.

She made a joke that night… it was an old joke that we share… but as much as I saw it as a joke, I secretly wished that she would… and I knew it’d be out of love…

I know she loves me… her actions towards me show it… and she even says it now (and oh my lord it makes me the happiest man in the world to hear those three words roll off her tongue).

I’m fairly sure she won’t be leaving Chris… especially anytime soon… though I wish she would… He’s not right for her.. and as much as we fight, and argue… we always make up for it.. we always apologize and cuddle, and we’re never to the point of being violent to each other.  I would never, ever hit her.  And I’ve only felt the desire to once… Yet even so, I would never lay a finger on her that would not be a gentle touch or caress, for she is the woman I love; n’est-ce pas?

*laughs* Since she’s going to be an English teacher, you think she’ll return to me if I write a decent persuasive essay on why she should?

So today, an interesting though occurred to me… It dealt with Lovers and Fighting… Everyone says things like “you fight like an old married couple” or “you fight like lover’s”.

The only sort of explanation for this occurrence is that it’s “how they show their love for each other.”  I’m sure other people know the philosophical details of such an approach, but I wanted to cover over the thoughts that occurred to me today on it.

Why do school friends rarely fight?  They have nothing to fight over.  They’re opinion don’t affect each other’s life’s that greatly, and when they do they’re fighting because their life was affected in a way that they did not want or did not like.  This is the difference between friends and lovers.

When you are in love with someone… all of their opinions matter to you… Would you be more appalled if one of your everyday friends tells you “you look ugly today” or if the person that you know you love with every cubic millimeter of your heart tells you “you look ugly today”?  Obviously, your lover.

Because of this emotional attachment to the feelings, the judgments, and the thoughts of the other’s lover – fights occur.  Any small differences in opinion or different thoughts about what direction the relationship should be heading in, or how much time should be spent together can result in a fight… especially if not settled first peacefully.

Sometimes though, when something can be settled peacefully.. it is instead thought insignificant to the beholder of the opinion, and it can build and build and build until it’s just too much to handle, and something so small that could’ve easily been discussed results in a fight.

It’s important for me to note that this is really all I can think about… they were ideas that just popped into my mind and I felt like I needed to write down, so I’ve done it.  They’re down.  Enjoy.