The Story of my Life

I’m not sure why, but hearing her say that (“Now You’re annoying me”) when my texts go unanswered for two hours (late at night, while expecting her call) really hurt.  Over the course of two hours, I sent her only 4 texts, waiting for her return while she was out with friends.  One was a response to hers, two others were pretty much together, one after the other asking if she was coming home soon, and the fourth was asking her to text me when she wanted to talk, because it had gotten late enough that if she called I’d get in trouble for waking my parents.  I call her (no answer) and leave her a simple voicemail, asking if she was still out and to text me and she replied back only with “Now You’re annoying me.”  I asked her “What did I do?” and “Whats wrong, love?” but with no response to either, so now I’m sitting here in the dark, lonely and hurt and I don’t even know why.

Is she punishing me for hanging out with my friend yesterday?  I told her fairly early that I was going over to Zach’s and she said “okay.”  Only this morning did she let me know that she was upset, that she had wanted to talk to me since it was the first day of her break.  We discussed it and I told her that if something was upsetting her or if she didn’t want me to do something she needed to let me know.  She even said she “wasn’t that upset with me.”  (A white lie?  I can’t tell…)

I had taken a nap in the middle of the day, and had told her I was doing so with which she replied “don’t sleep too long. Tonights the last night till friday we can talk on the phone.”

Did I really do something wrong…?

Do you love her? yes…

Do you care about her? yes…

Do you trust her? mostly…

Its very hard to have complete and total trust in someone… My generally answer: Yes.  I trust her.  But there are circumstances in which my faith is lacking – all of which she generally knows (after all, I’m the possessive jealous type, I can’t keep that in check 24/7.. it has to come out sometime).  Most of the time its about Him.  God I HATE him with EVERY FIBER in my being.  (Interestingly, the exact same fibers with which I love her, hmm – coincidence?  I THINK NOT).  He confuses her, he befriends her, he angers her (so do I…) and I hate him for it.. because whenever we get in an argument he’s THERE.  And I know he wants Her.  I don’t know if he wants her forever, or if he wants to use her or anything like that.. all I know is he wants her.. He wants to take her away from me and that makes me very upset and very nervous whenever she’s around him.

I mean, in the same post I wrote about how much I was nervous about him being around her, I also wrote that I was looking forward to this summer, I was looking forward to being with her, I was looking forward to meeting him and, excuse the momentary lapse of controlling my emotions, telling him to “stay the fuck away from my girl.”  (Would I have said that?  Absolutely not, I’m way too polite.  Though I would have wanted to, badly.  If he could manage to piss me off, then maybe, but otherwise, no…)

But now… neither of us know what’s going on… Our world’s have been thrown into chaos.  Some of it her fault, some of it my fault, but all of it HIS.  GOD I HATE HIM.

Don’t take this the wrong way: but is it seriously okay for her to keep talking to him, when she doesn’t want me to talk to Carla for the exact same reason?

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..

But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..

It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.

All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.

I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again.  She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together.  I told her because we love each other.  That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they?  They’re just my imagination running amok again.  I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason.  They’re not true.

I Love Her, and I always will.  I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope…  How come every time we go out, she gets like this?  I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?

I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text.  I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.

We always do, don’t we?

So very, very confused.

You are the source of my disdain. Just the other day she was so madly in love with me; and you walk out of the shadows and steal her away only to leave her again! To have your brief moment out of the sun and do whatever it is you’ll do and steal her away from me, only for a moment and leave with me only scraps of whatever you take from her!

Why does she have to pick you over me when I’ve been committed for so long to make her happy? When you know about us? Why did Chris have to do the same? Why does it always have to be the same?

Two hours ago she told me she loved me, now she’ll say it no longer because for only a few days you’re going to step back into the picture, just to steal her away from me and make me start all over again to show her that she can trust me and that she doesn’t have to be afraid to let me back into her heart!

Months ago I knew that you two were going to prom together, and I knew that it would be okay because she was madly in love with me and she swore that nothing would happen; that it was only because of an old promise and within a few weeks from spring break until now she goes from complete and utter ecstatic excitement to see me to "no longer trying" and pushing me out of her heart to make way for someone who won’t even stay!

WHY?!

Very rarely do I actually spend time to think about life, love, and actually dig down into the deep and brooding emotions it contains.. but when I do, I always come up with something I want to say to her, something I want to push towards her, to try to make her realize what I’ve been going on about all along, but these things are always something I’m too cowardly to tell her.  I’m scared that if I truly try to push it, if I try to show her these beliefs, to slap her in the face with these words, that she’ll do the part of them that I don’t want her to; that she’ll take the easy way out, so that she doesn’t have to deal with me, or her feelings, or love at all… I’m always scared that she’ll decide Love isn’t worth it; that she’ll go with logic, and do things for logic’s sake, instead of following her heart… I wish, for once, things would go the way they’re supposed to…

To the person I love most of all:

Knock this shit off.

I love you, with every bit of my heart and soul; to such an extent that I would kindly give up what little life I have for you, and you know this.

You abuse it.

You’ve once told me yourself, that maybe it’s because I’m always there, that you know I won’t leave… that’s no reason to abuse it – doing so is plain selfish.

I know you.  You’re not selfish.

So what then, is your problem?

You LOVE me.  You know it.  You’ve exclaimed it.  You’ve, figuratively, placed my hands over your heart and said to me “It’s yours.”

Why then, are you with him?

I can’t change your mind, I can’t make your decisions for you.

But this is wrong.

You’re toying with my emotions and for what?  To be with a guy you don’t love?  A guy that, it almost feels like you’re TRYING to fall in love with, because you’ve had a crush on him, because he’s been a wonderful friend.  You care about him, and you love him in that caring way.  But you do not LOVE him.  Do you?

If I was to die tomorrow, would you regret putting me in the position I’m in?

Would you regret not taking the risk to follow your heart, to be in the relationship that you’ve constantly showed me you yearn for, but are always too scared to be with?  Too detached from the world of spirituality and love to be in?

Would you regret being in a relationship with no True Love?

Why is this?

Why will you change your mind a thousand times against me, when your heart continues to point in the same direction?

We both know it’s true.  Have you not tried to distance yourself from me, just so that you won’t have the desire to curl up into my arms? To kiss me? To make love with me?  These desires, they are not of the mind.  They are not pure lust, or longing – though they do invoke such feelings as well – they originate from your heart, and we both know it.

Come on, it can’t be lust, I’m surely no good looker.

We’ve both done horrible things to hurt each other, to push each other away, but we always find some way to get over it, to forgive each other, to be the best and closest of friends.

If we stay on the phone long enough, even in a heated discussion.  We go back to meowing and “I love you”s.  Even if we were fighting over how much we absolutely hated each other and what we do to each other.

Is this not the essence of our love?

Why is it that you do not even consider me until I’ve practically lost my sanity and calmed down again?

Shall I list some things I would do for you?

• I would purchase a cell phone and buy unlimited texting
• I would apply to university, an institution of education (something I hate)
• I would literally pack up and move across the country
• I would make people hate me, I would hurt my closest of friends
• I would sit down for four hours, taking a god-awful test when I’ve been sick to my stomach for a week
• I would spend six months faking Catholicism
• I would save up any spare money I could for years, to buy the most beautiful ring possible

You know which one’s I’ve done, you know which one I plan to do, and you know two that are strong possibilities.

Why such an odd list?  Because they’re the things out of the ordinary.  The things that people wouldn’t even normally think of doing for a single person.

Would you like the normal list?

• I would hold you
• I would kiss you
• I would miss you
• I would do whatever was in my power to make you happy
• I would pluck the moon from the sky, destroying oceans and killing thousands of innocent lives
• I would go to the ends of the earth, and return with the rarest gem I could find attached to a ring.

Why am I still not worth it?

What would he do that I would not?

What is the one advantage he has?

• Being there right now.

Would he still accept you if he knew the things I do?

Why won’t you stop acting like this?

Are you still afraid of me?  Do you still not entirely trust me?

I know I’m still afraid, I know that I still have a ways to go before I can trust you the way we once trusted each other.

I know that I can do it.

I know that I can trust you again.

I know that I can grow.  That you can grow.  That We can grow.

Why is it that we are not a We?

Why is it, that you delay our love?

Would you truly be able to move on, in an instant, if you lost me?  What if you lost me forever?

When is it that you will stand up for your heart, and follow where it leads you?

When is it, that the Kyri I once knew, the Kyri that once followed her dreams, will wake up again?

I want her to remember all that we’ve been through.

I want her to remember all of the good.

I want her to remember how much she loves me.

And I want her to remember that fateful day when she said:

“I love you more when I hate you than I could ever love him.”

What is it you’re waiting for?

She did say that she was going to be busy during this break, of course, she’s always busy; but as things progress, and I’m not by any means comparing her, but our relationship is slowly starting to be reminiscent of what I had with Heather…

Heather and I were a couple deeply in love.  We had fun together, we could talk, we could crack jokes, and we talked on the phone occasionally, usually IMing the other times.  Kyri, was near the same.  She used to call (back when I was dating Carla) and we used to text a lot, but since Carla broke up with me, and more so since Nikki, Kyri has started straying further and further away.  She never has time to talk on the phone, she rarely even has time to text me anymore.  It reminds me of Heather so much; because I feel like I’ve become the lowest priority.

I’m like a puppy.  I generally call for a lot of attention, and that can be overwhelming, but I can survive on a little bit of attention, but what has bee going on with Kyri, I am getting no attention at all, and this brings about loneliness, sorrow, depression, and all kinds of other feelings I’m not even sure that there are names for.

I was so happy on December 17th.  She acknowledged that I had feelings, that I felt lonely and such, and she even called me, just for a brief time.  But, it was a one time thing.  She hasn’t spoken to me on the phone since, and lately over SMS she’s told me that I’m annoying and that I just need to get over it.

I’ve talked to a number of my friends about it, and I just get different opinions.  @Cherrim says that I should take a break from her; I don’t want a break… and there isn’t much to take a break from… she refuses to date me.  Doelle told me that I should ask her for a schedule that she isn’t busy and isn’t sleeping in, but by Kyri’s words she’s “busy until 2013”.  It’s funny, to me anyway, that her “busy” includes spending plenty of time with her friends… but never a moment with me.

She would always tell me that she loved me and that I was so important to her.  That her friends had no effect on our relationship.  The last time I questioned it, she broke up with me… but looking upon my circumstances; her friends do have a very large effect on our relationship.  Maybe not directly, but they do.

Whenever I think about this, I always come back to, what may be an excuse but, the fact that all of her interactions with me are surreal or unreal.  That we haven’t met in real life, that I’ve never held her or kissed her or even been near her; and I always think that when I do everything will change… I just hope that it’s right, that it will, that maybe one day she’ll understand how I feel and instead of telling me to just “get over it” that maybe she’ll spend some time with me.  Maybe one day she won’t be so busy that she can’t spare five minutes to text or talk to me.  Maybe one day she won’t be so aggravated at me that when I text her she tells me she’s practically busy forever and to leave her the fuck alone because she’s at a party. 

I just, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this.  Whenever I try to talk to her about it she blames it on my shortcomings; but if it’s always my fault, then isn’t this relationship pretty one-sided?  I’m not saying it’s never my fault, but I am saying it’s not always my fault, and that she needs to take some responsibility too.  I can’t think of a single guy that would be okay with the way she treats me, even when I am okay with it.

I just; I miss her a lot.. and all she has for me lately is hostility.  Where has my Kyri gone?