The Story of my Life

Do you love her? yes…

Do you care about her? yes…

Do you trust her? mostly…

Its very hard to have complete and total trust in someone… My generally answer: Yes.  I trust her.  But there are circumstances in which my faith is lacking – all of which she generally knows (after all, I’m the possessive jealous type, I can’t keep that in check 24/7.. it has to come out sometime).  Most of the time its about Him.  God I HATE him with EVERY FIBER in my being.  (Interestingly, the exact same fibers with which I love her, hmm – coincidence?  I THINK NOT).  He confuses her, he befriends her, he angers her (so do I…) and I hate him for it.. because whenever we get in an argument he’s THERE.  And I know he wants Her.  I don’t know if he wants her forever, or if he wants to use her or anything like that.. all I know is he wants her.. He wants to take her away from me and that makes me very upset and very nervous whenever she’s around him.

I mean, in the same post I wrote about how much I was nervous about him being around her, I also wrote that I was looking forward to this summer, I was looking forward to being with her, I was looking forward to meeting him and, excuse the momentary lapse of controlling my emotions, telling him to “stay the fuck away from my girl.”  (Would I have said that?  Absolutely not, I’m way too polite.  Though I would have wanted to, badly.  If he could manage to piss me off, then maybe, but otherwise, no…)

But now… neither of us know what’s going on… Our world’s have been thrown into chaos.  Some of it her fault, some of it my fault, but all of it HIS.  GOD I HATE HIM.

Don’t take this the wrong way: but is it seriously okay for her to keep talking to him, when she doesn’t want me to talk to Carla for the exact same reason?

So, first off for our nice little list is that Lent started.  Thats been nothing but a gigantic bunch of fun.  Well, at first anyway.  It started off with not being able to talk to her much if at all, since she had decided to give up Instant Messenging and SMS – but she quickly broke IM, and then SMS before deciding that she was giving those things up for the wrong reason.  Now the only thing she’s giving up for lent is Facebook, and I’m happy and snuggly with my baby again, lol.

Of course, things always like to have the worst possible timing don’t they?  Greg decided to call her the other night, and he did nothing but upset her.  She wants to hate him, but she can’t, but he does bother her to no end.  He’s going to be back in her town (his home town) all summer long, and that makes me nothing but nervous after what happened in December.  Kyri and I have talked a lot about it though, and there should be nothing for me to worry about.  On top of that, Kyri says that when I visit her this summer she’s going to introduce me to him, and that after that he’ll leave her alone for good as per some pre-arranged agreement between the two…

So then there’s smoking.  This isn’t such a big thing, mostly because nothing has happened.  We were talking today and she asked me how upset at her I’d be if she started smoking socially (as opposed to smoking to relieve stress like she was last year).  I’m not entirely sure why, but my entire body basically became rigid.  I hate smoking… It’s unattractive, its bad for you, and I just don’t like it, so I told her the truth – “More than you can fathom.”  I don’t understand why I’d hate it so much, but I would.  I’d be so very upset with her for some reason, despite how much I love her.  Meh, she said it was okay for me to not want her to smoke, and from the way our conversation went, I don’t think she’s going to.

Meh, what a pain this has become.  We started off lent happilly, actually.  Even though we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other as much as we had been – we were still going to talk as much as we could on the phone.  Then Greg happened and I’ve been in worry-mode ever since.  I just can’t relax when I have to think about the type of thin ice I’m on every time he’s around…  Kyri doesn’t think I should worry, so I probably don’t have anything to worry about anymore.  I know she loves me with all of her heart, and would never betray or cheat on me, so I should really just calm down and show her how much I love her, shouldn’t I? ♥

Dear Emotions: Do you know no bounds??  Do I really have to be jealous over this?  Seriously?  I really don’t want to, can’t you just give me a freakin’ break?

The only thing I hate worse than having emotions you don’t think you should be feeling over ridiculous things is having to bottle them up because you don’t want to face any number of possible consequences for having said feelings.

So, she wants to visit us both during the summer.  So, she loves both of us.  So, she’s no longer in love with me which puts us basically at equal footing – so far as I know.  Should I be jealous?  I really don’t think so.  Either way, I am, and I think said jealous needs to stop.

The last time she wanted to visit him the situation was far more dire (by which I mean severely not in my favor).  We were going out though, and I talked to her about it, and she decided not to go.  Which made me both excessively happy, and very sad.  I like getting my way, but I really don’t like taking things away from her that I think she should have.

To me, this is the same situation – except I haven’t bothered bringing it up, and really don’t plan to.  If she wants to go, I think she should go.  At this point, I only hope this also means that yes, she’s still visiting me and that yes, i have nothing to worry about.  If either of these isn’t true, then I’m going to have serious issues with her visiting him alone, not to mention that could possibly make him a love rival?

It shouldn’t.  Primarily because the last time I talked to her she said she and he weren’t really talking, not to mention that he now had a girlfriend.  But, they seem to be talking a lot more recently – and heck, she’s considering/planning to go see him.  The question is: What does this mean for me?

It’s not like we have any official sort of relationship right now.  We’re not going out, although we’re really close – she wants to stay single for now.  You know, one of those ever popular “breaks” girls need to sort through their feelings and figure out what it is that they want.  For most people in this generation its an “eh, whatever” stage where they feel free and they can/will do what (and in many cases whom) ever they want.  I don’t think Kyri like this, and I know I’m definitely not like this.  I remain very loyal to her even through times like this.

Meh, Now I’m just ranting – but I really do hope it all works out somehow.  I’d really like to see her this summer so I could hang out with her, and maybe even take her out on a couple dates, if she’d be okay with that – that is.

We’re no longer a couple.. she’s no longer in love with me.. Everything’s been so confusing.  I’ve been working, and I’ve been atrociously sick.. Ugh, Life is just awful.

I don’t even want to explain everything that happened.  Basically, we had a misunderstanding, she fucked & fell in love with her ex for comfort, half-got over him, and went from loathing me to loving me again in all of about three days.  She’s still not in love with me, but I’m hoping with time and hard work we can bring things back to the way they were, but she doesn’t want to hurt me like she did this time again, and she’s trying to push me slightly away, but not enough to hurt me…

I can see through her, I can see what she’s doing – but I feel like she doesn’t want this, she’s just confused again…

So… maybe I’ll try to renew my faith, and ask the Goddess to guide me once more, to help relieve Kyri’s pain, and maybe if she’s really nice, she’ll change the past.  I doubt it, though.

Tonight was a nightmare.. that one I keep having about her leaving me again..

But she hasn’t yet, at least, I don’t think she has..

It feels like there’s already another guy, and I’m in the way, after all, the way she was talking – that seems to be the truth… Apparently, she still loves Mattie even though she told me well before our relationship started that she didn’t anymore, and apparently there are guys there that she likes, and she’s even been out dancing with other guys… She says she’s missing out on stuff because of our relationship, like feeling guilty for dancing with guys… I don’t even have the time to feel slightly upset that this was happening without me knowing, even though I don’t really mind the dancing bit much, if at all… I would’ve three years ago, but now I barely care at all… I just want her.. I just need her.. I love her so much, she’s become my everything and now I’m under threat of her disappearing again.

All of my friends are already gone, all except for Yuki of course.. she’s the only friend that’s ever truly stayed by my side… No matter what, Yuki has been there.

I don’t feel like Life is worth living anymore.. not if I’m just going to have to continue to suffer through this pain again and again.  She asked me yesterday, and again today why we were together.  I told her because we love each other.  That’s apparently not enough of a reason… apparently, the more she thinks about our relationship the less sense it makes… apparently, all I’m good for is making her miss out on things… The way she was talking tonight, it makes me feel like her smile last night was fake, or that she’s feigning happiness to please me, or that there’s already another guy and she just needs me out of the picture.. but none of those things can be true, can they?  They’re just my imagination running amok again.  I’d never even dare mention them to her, for that same reason.  They’re not true.

I Love Her, and I always will.  I keep saying it, but the way she reacts its like the meaning of it degrades and degrades… She doesn’t act like she wants to marry me anymore, she doesn’t act like she wants to Elope…  How come every time we go out, she gets like this?  I don’t understand it… I wish I knew what I could do to make her see it… there’s really no difference between now and when we weren’t together… we’re in love, i think she’s still in love with me anyway… so why should we be apart?

I know we can work things out though, so I’ve already crossed out this text.  I love her, and she loves me, I know it as a fact, and that no matter what we’ll be able to work things out.

We always do, don’t we?

So very, very confused.

(Posted on Monday the 25th of May, written on the 13th)

Last night was weird and fascinating at the same time.  For the first time ever, I managed to enact mental control over my dream (to some extent.)  I don’t remember all of it clearly, as the relativity of time, and the change of such could not possibly allow me to remember every detail of that day that took place in only a mere three of four hours.

When I first realized I was dreaming, my first experiment, like most others, was flight.  Although, why humans lust the ability to soar through the sky has always eluded me.  But there I was, floating above the ground as I tired to reach a balcony.  As I recall, my mind did not appreciate me trying to take control over my subconscious, and actually worked towards fighting back.  The details, even within the dream itself became blurry as it tried to force me to believe that I was “waking up.”  I emphasize this because I only recall actually waking up twice during the night, when in the course of events I “wake up” five, six, or maybe even seven times.  All before four in the morning, and after twelve twenty at night.  Of course, what continues to allude me is how much or how little control I had over the situation.  Was I controlling my dreams, or simply dreaming about controlling them?

I do, however, acknowledge that it was not entirely controlled, as I was not able to reach said balcony, and I, at one point, kissed my ex-girlfriend, Christine Beare.  I have been thinking about this odd event, and have arrived at the conclusion that I must not be as over here as I continue to believe I am.  I think it may have something to do with her being the final brick pulled from the foundation before it finally collapsed around me.  Of course, that doesn’t even include Kyri, who is now saying she was in a committed relationship with me, and did such things because she was scared of commitment, of all things!  Not to my face though, of course.

Meh, I’ll write more later, when I can better concentrate my thoughts.

You are the source of my disdain. Just the other day she was so madly in love with me; and you walk out of the shadows and steal her away only to leave her again! To have your brief moment out of the sun and do whatever it is you’ll do and steal her away from me, only for a moment and leave with me only scraps of whatever you take from her!

Why does she have to pick you over me when I’ve been committed for so long to make her happy? When you know about us? Why did Chris have to do the same? Why does it always have to be the same?

Two hours ago she told me she loved me, now she’ll say it no longer because for only a few days you’re going to step back into the picture, just to steal her away from me and make me start all over again to show her that she can trust me and that she doesn’t have to be afraid to let me back into her heart!

Months ago I knew that you two were going to prom together, and I knew that it would be okay because she was madly in love with me and she swore that nothing would happen; that it was only because of an old promise and within a few weeks from spring break until now she goes from complete and utter ecstatic excitement to see me to "no longer trying" and pushing me out of her heart to make way for someone who won’t even stay!

WHY?!

After being hurt in life, some of us build defenses.  We become hardened and, out of fear of getting hurt again, we don’t permit ourselves to feel.  Often times this goes unchecked and we remain bitter to the end but, in some cases, life brings us to a special event that tears down our defenses and fills our hearts with hope once again.

- Narrator, Galaxy Railways episode 14