The Story of my Life

Felt that it would be best if I didn’t post this to her wall.  A damn shame too, I’d get giggles out of people’s reactions.  Oh well, at least I have my blog ♥

Dear Emotions: Do you know no bounds??  Do I really have to be jealous over this?  Seriously?  I really don’t want to, can’t you just give me a freakin’ break?

The only thing I hate worse than having emotions you don’t think you should be feeling over ridiculous things is having to bottle them up because you don’t want to face any number of possible consequences for having said feelings.

So, she wants to visit us both during the summer.  So, she loves both of us.  So, she’s no longer in love with me which puts us basically at equal footing – so far as I know.  Should I be jealous?  I really don’t think so.  Either way, I am, and I think said jealous needs to stop.

The last time she wanted to visit him the situation was far more dire (by which I mean severely not in my favor).  We were going out though, and I talked to her about it, and she decided not to go.  Which made me both excessively happy, and very sad.  I like getting my way, but I really don’t like taking things away from her that I think she should have.

To me, this is the same situation – except I haven’t bothered bringing it up, and really don’t plan to.  If she wants to go, I think she should go.  At this point, I only hope this also means that yes, she’s still visiting me and that yes, i have nothing to worry about.  If either of these isn’t true, then I’m going to have serious issues with her visiting him alone, not to mention that could possibly make him a love rival?

It shouldn’t.  Primarily because the last time I talked to her she said she and he weren’t really talking, not to mention that he now had a girlfriend.  But, they seem to be talking a lot more recently – and heck, she’s considering/planning to go see him.  The question is: What does this mean for me?

It’s not like we have any official sort of relationship right now.  We’re not going out, although we’re really close – she wants to stay single for now.  You know, one of those ever popular “breaks” girls need to sort through their feelings and figure out what it is that they want.  For most people in this generation its an “eh, whatever” stage where they feel free and they can/will do what (and in many cases whom) ever they want.  I don’t think Kyri like this, and I know I’m definitely not like this.  I remain very loyal to her even through times like this.

Meh, Now I’m just ranting – but I really do hope it all works out somehow.  I’d really like to see her this summer so I could hang out with her, and maybe even take her out on a couple dates, if she’d be okay with that – that is.

I woke up in the middle of the night, tonight (proving Kyri right that it was a bad idea for me to go to sleep in the afternoon, but I was sooo exhausted I just couldn’t stay awake any longer, so my sleep schedule is now fixed a little bit) and one of the places I check for updates (like comments, etc.) is YouTube (since I do have a minor channel, I’m always hoping that someone will comment on one of my videos), and I noticed under “Recommended” was a song called Kyrie.  I decided “eh, what the heck” and clicked it.  It was trance, which, although is great for dancing, is kind of lame if you’re staring at a computer screen in the middle of the night – then its boring and repetitive.

So, I decided “I wonder if there are other songs called Kyri?  You know, other than that catholic one and that old classical one and this trance one.. there’s probably more.  So I run a YouTube search for Kyri and I find this gem from 1985 titled Kyrie by Mr. Mister.

The song can definitely contain separate meanings if you make “Kyrie, eleison” “Kyriaelison.”

If you actually visit my blog (instead of reading it through an RSS Reader, Soup.io, Tumblr, or Facebook) then starting today you may very well notice a URL change.  My personal blog is no longer located at blog.gtaero.net, instead, I’ve moved everything over to blog.navarr.me.  You can now (if you want, for some reason) access the following sites:

navarr.me

A photo of myself until I can figure out what I should do with it.

blog.navarr.me

My personal blog.

soup.navarr.me

My soup.io account (a cumulative lifestream)

tumblr.navarr.me

My tumblr account (another cumulative lifestream)

comic.navarr.me

My webcomics. They’re not INCREDIBLY funny, but you might find some humour in them.

navarr.me/grad/

My High School Graduation page.

The next issue brought up by this change would then be: Am I going to kill GTAero?  The answer is No.

Instead, I’m going to use GTAero.net for the more technical side of me.  It’ll be my coding sandbox, will house my Tech Blog, and most importantly – it’s still my VERY widely used email address.  GTAero is very close to me, I created the idea of Project: Grand Theft Aero in 6th grade, so it won’t be going away anytime soon.  In fact, all of the subdomains in the list above were subdomains of GTAero.net, which now 301 Redirect to their navarr.me equivalents.

Just thought I’d take the time to point out what might not be a very big or obvious change.

So, I bring you her words from December 1, 2008.

Navarr… *giggles* i can’t even explain how girly and in love I feel. Is it possible to feel like you can soar above the stars and moon, but you don’t want to, because to do so would be leaving his arms? I was so foolish the other night, to honestly think I could leave him. And I’m so wonderfully happy that I didn’t. We talked last night. for a long while, and even though it kept me awake, it felt so nice to just be with him again. Sometimes I wish i could just drive down there, or have him come up here, but we can’t have everything we wish for sadly. Hopefully one day in the near future…

You know… of course you know, everybody knows: I Love Her.  I can’t go a day, or even an hour without thinking about her, without thinking about holding her, or running my fingers through her hair, cuddling her, sleeping with her in my arms, etc, etc.  It’s amazing – It’s love, and the wheels are slowly turning and bringing us back together again.

These last three weeks have been very busy, full of pain, love, surprises, just full of everything – and I can’t be happier that things are finally calming down.

I love her so much – I hope no shit like this happens again, because it’s really rough on both of us.

And with that, Cheers to the new year.

There is nothing more special than when the spark you thought you’d lost returns to your relationship, and your love again flourishes as it only could when experiencing passionate love.

There is also nothing scarier than worrying about whether or not it’ll return for her, worrying about loosing the love of your life because that feeling of mutual love and trust and passionate, the very essence of romance vanishes.

But thankfully, it doesn’t look like I’ll have to worry about that anymore.  Not for a while, at least.

I don’t know how or if this affects her wanting to be single for this semester or not (probably not, she still needs to figure things out, I believe) but it does mean that things are slowly returning to normal.  Something that is definitely much needed between us, after this whole mess.

As Yuki said, if we could get through this, we can get through everything.

Maybe I can still make her my bride, one day? :p

Sometimes, I’d quite think she hasn’t managed to realize how much a man dislikes loosing his relationship with his beloved as something similar to a New Years Resolution.

Either that, or she simply doesn’t care that I dislike the fact, either way – its going to be quite a tough year for a boy in love.

What can one possibly write down about love?  It is the strangest emotion on the planet, one that nobody feels the same way about.  Who is it that decides what makes a couple?  Why two people should be together?  Who is it that triggers such intense and passionate feelings between two people, even if they share nothing in common?  What makes Love?

I always try to think of a way to explain it, but it never works.  Unfortunately, this may be my very undoing.  The one thing that could possibly ruin our relationship – not being able to explain why we should be together.  The hobbies, likes, and dislikes we share are few and far between.  Our religions are even different, yet we still love each other.  We still feel compelled to be with each other.  Something pushes us together.  Is it fate?  Is it destiny?  Is it just our imaginations?  I can’t even describe.. all I can think is that I love her, and I want to be with her forever.  Of this, I no longer doubt.  I am sure of it, for some reason I can’t possibly begin to describe.

However, that’s selfish of me, isn’t it?  I tend to try to push things on her that I shouldn’t.. make her do (or not) do things that are separate from the norm… Why?  Why must I force my own opinions and beliefs on her?  I don’t know.. and even though I do sometimes, whether she listens/agrees or not… she still feels compelled to be by my side in some way.  Of that, I’m more than grateful for.  I’ve done so much to hurt her in the past, yet still she trusts me to protect her, to love her, to hold her close.

I have a few doubts about our relationship from time to time.  What if she doesn’t like me anymore, or she discovers a small tick of mine she doesn’t like?  My guess is that its just the remnants of my bipolarity that she’s all but cured.  When I was thinking of what to tell her when I thought that she was different, or why I thought she was different.  It never occurred to me.  With the way our relationship is now, she is the only woman I’ve ever been with that – while we’re together – I’ve never felt the urge to cry with no reason to explain why I’m crying.  I still get overly upset over smaller things, but I no longer cry for no reason.  I only cry when something hurts me.  And its amazing.  She’s the only person who’s ever been able to do this to me.  That’s why she feels like my missing puzzle piece, that’s why I feel like I need her – apart from how much I love and care about her – she actually tends to complete who I am.

Unfortunately for my romantic ways, she’s more of a logician.  Where I feel people should be together because they love each other, because they grow together and their emotions affect one another, she feels that people should be together for their similarities – something we have very little (if any) of, as I wrote earlier.  Because we started out as a long distance relationship, we don’t have memories that we share (apart from each other) of times in the past.  Last night, I told her my very dull and dry past, because she said that we don’t know about each other’s past.. and there wasn’t much if anything to tell her.  I’ve lived a very average, very dull life.  The only way to change this is to make memories with each other in the future – but that doesn’t change the fact that there is no real reason for her to stay by me from a logical standpoint.

So what can I possibly do?  Yuki tells me that I need to show her and make her understand that Love doesn’t need to be logical.  That logic isn’t needed in a relationship.  To follow your heart and accept what you feel, to be happy with the person you love.  We do make each other happy in ways, but we also bring out the other extremes in each other – is that what Love is?  What is Love?  I can’t even possibly begin to comprehend it.

Then, there’s always the fact that we’re so young.  We’re both in, what under normal circumstances would be, our first year of College.  There’s so much left in the world, why should we attach ourselves to each other so quickly?  That’s not something she points out a lot, but it is something other’s point out a lot, and to be honest I don’t know a good answer.  All I know is mine – which is that if we wait, if we split our separate ways and “wait and see” if we end up back together, if we still love each other after so much time – it’s very possible, and almost a hundred percent likely that we’re just going to hurt each other more than we already have with our pasts.

Unfortunately for both of us, I’m very straightedge and can’t comprehend or even deal with most of what the current society deems acceptable behavior.  Smoking (not even marijuana, but cigarettes!), Sex, even so much as kissing other people doesn’t sit well with me, and it becomes very hard, very quickly for me to find a way to let her past and her current situations stand without changing who I am – but I do it for some reason, some how.  Is it right?  I don’t know.. but it feels right.

All I can say is I love her, even with her past – and I would in the future too – but it would hurt, very very much to have to go through any of this all over again.

So, what could I possibly say to show her that our love is true – that we don’t need a reason to be together other than the fact that we deeply love each other?